Monthly Archives: January 2020

Japanese Pink Film Star Singing

There.

That’ll do for a title until I think of something else. It’s what I’m currently listening to, and besides, you weirdos only come see me for my dirt on Nancy Reagan anyway. If you are interested, the album is actually really good, even if it didn’t have her moaning over every song (she sings but there is a moan layer over everything). There is one BDSM track. The music? It’s like what would happen if Quentin Tarantino scored a James Bond film. The artist/actress is Reiko Ike, and she came to me by way of purchasing a used copy of Ween’s swan song, La Cucaracha (which is a pretty good album and you can fuck right off if you don’t think so). Reiko was tucked away in the fold. Ween fans know what’s up.

There aren’t whole lot of photos of Reiko with clothes on, so I’ll offer up the album cover and hope that social media doesn’t notice.

Now that I’ve opened with that, I’m feeling a bit gauche now because I wanted to talk about how seemingly fucked up it was to wait nine days to tell the public that US servicemen and women were casualties when the airbases were attacked in the Iranian response for whacking Soleimani.

This kind of hiding casualties is unprecedented to me. Every time a soldier was wounded or fell in Iraq it was recorded and reported. And that war, I don’t have to tell you, was soaked in blood on the regular.

Now in one way, this looks like classic Trump, to run away from a decision that has any real gravity. Because had he had to break the news that our people were hurt by Iranian missiles, we would have to respond inside Iran.

War. Maybe World War 3.

So he did what he knew best to do. He lied. “All is well.” “So far so good.”

Nine days later, we report hurt soldiers. What the fuck? I’m sorry, it never takes that long to count casualties, much less report them.

But damn, I mean he got the Pentagon, the DOD, the Chiefs, everyone to stand down and let the reporting lapse.

How???

It’s entirely possible that anyone in office may have delayed the news of the injured soldiers because actually attacking Iran itself is one hell’s bell we truly can’t unring, one that could possibly begin or end with a nuclear bomb exchange and everyone who could conceivably deploy that weaponry knows it. So there was simply no tat for Iran’s tit that made any existential sense; even a boob like Trump must know this on some base level, and if he didn’t someone responsible made sure he couldn’t do something rash.

So we waited until the heat of the moment passed to release the assessment. Perhaps that was the right thing to do in a moment that could have decided humanity’s fate. Thank god no one died. It would have been on like Donkey Kong if we had to give a name to the American public.

And to that effect, Iran did its best to bruise us instead of burn us. They too know how far they can run up to the line before it’s too late to turn back.

Blink If You Understand

So! We are still here.

For now.

I bet you’re all pining for fucking 2019 about now. Someone has got to bring this year to heel already.

On January 3rd, Donald Trump nearly started World War Three by extrajudiciously and egregiously assassinating a venerated Iranian general who had nothing at all to do with the US embassy attack in Iraq. Last night, Iran responded by launching missile attacks on two of our bases in Iraq. There is no official report of casualties as I write this. It’s 8:45AM the following morning.

As we watched our TVs last night to see if we needed to start praying, we longed for a leader to make a speech, something to make us feel more secure that things we going to be OK, one way or another. At least I did. I’m not a follower per se, but I feel there should be people who know how to tend others besides themselves in any group.

Of course, all we got was this inane tweet telling us shit we already knew because we use the same fucking internet and have the same access to journalism as King Asshole does:

Day late and a dollar short, Zippy.

Anyway, the world’s existence, nay, the human race’s existence is largely dependent on which Donald Trump shows up for work today.

That’s a scary ass truth, ain’t it? Like I said, gimme back 2019.

We could get the Paper Tiger Trump. This is my favorite Trump; it attempts to be hyperaggressive one day only to back down the next day or so. Remember when Trump dropped a MOAB in Afghanistan when he first got elected and then just forgot about that war? That Trump. We need Paper Tiger Trump to show up today.

The other Trump that may come to work is Belligerent Trump. Sometimes Trump loves the smell of his farts and believes his own hype about what a tough guy he is. This Trump will continue to attack tit for tat with Iran, who could conceivably attack dozens of allies around the globe and then someone drops a nuke and then it’s buckwheats for the world.

A final possibility could be the Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. This Trump is similar to the Belligerent Trump, except this one is convinced of the superiority of his own intellect and will do the opposite of what people who know what the fuck they are talking about tell him to do. This is “I alone can fix it” Trump. You notice that experts are leaving this administration in droves; that’s because they hate Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. Will also cause WWIII.

Anyway, Iran has announced that it has extracted its pound of flesh, whatever that amounts to; now all we have to do is just be magnanimous and ask for a truce. Trump needs to blink because this is not about him, it’s about billions of us- and he needs to fucking wake up to that reality and take this chance to look like a goddamn statesman with grace, integrity and perspicacity just once in his shit political career.

UPDATE 10AM: Iran missile strikes designed to avoid casualties. We need a steady fucking hand right now and I don’t like our chances.

Iran So Far Away

Confused about all the hullabaloo surrounding the assassination of the Iranian general, Qasem Soleimani?

You sure are not alone. I know I’ve been. It’s taken me far too long to piece it together.

There are two ways to look at the way Trump has gone about violently retaliating against Iraqi-Iranian assets.

One is that the tail is wagging the dog, and that he’s just trying to start a fight to distract from all the trouble he’s in. I do not favor this interpretation, as it does not keep him out of hot water any more than, say, impeachment increased his standing in the polls. It’s just something people say when they don’t know what else to say. Trump crimes right in front of our fucking faces all the time and if this donnybrook wasn’t around he’d be flooding the zone with some other garbage. All this hamfistedness and risk is not necessary if the goal is to keep you from looking the other way. Furthermore, Trump is already on his way to making what he’s doing just one more impeachable offense-he failed to alert Congress, contravening the War Powers Act. So he can’t even wag the fucking dog right.

The second way is to look at this as a simple chain of events gone horribly wrong. Someone chucked a shitload of rockets at an Iraqi airbase, killing an American contractor and wounding several U.S. troops. Days later, CENTCOM concludes that a group called Kata’ib Hezbollah was responsible for the attacks. But that’s a bit on the odd side, because since 2016 Kata’ib has been part of the Popular Mobilization Forces, an amalgam of paramilitaries allied with one goal: killing ISIS wherever they find it in the Middle East, particularly Iraq and Syria. In fact, they’re actually considered a wing of the Iraqi army, so I’m not ready to buy this story. The US has a shit track record on who to blame for what so I don’t know what to think. Anyway, our response was disproportionate and inadvisable, striking targets in Iraq and Syria, killing 25 Popular Mobilization Forces militamen and wounding dozens. Two days later the US embassy in the Green Zone is breached and overrun by angry protestors waving Popular Mobilization flags. And again, our response was a wild overreaction. We droned the No.2 of The Popular Mobilization Forces, Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis- and quite possibly by accident, the commander of the Iranian Quds Force, the aforementioned general Soleimani. The Quds Force is kind of a big fucking deal to the Iranians, so we’ve kind of stuck our dicks in the mashed potatoes, so to speak. The safety of Americans around the world is now in jeopardy. Hell, the safety of any of our allies’ people for that matter. He was a no-good customer to be sure, but I hope the blowback for this fuckup is minimal.

It’s a hell of a speculation I’m engaging in here, but it’s not illogical. Trump may have blundered (that would sure be weird) and offed the wrong guy and now he has to get all belligerent with Iran like he meant to do this. Now the Iraqis want US troops out to smooth over tensions (for which Twitler says he’ll sanction Iraq like Iran. WTF?). No matter what is true, the next few weeks might be tight, because Trump’s too dumb for diplomacy and I can’t say for sure what might happen if we hit targets inside Iran. It could be catastrophic, because there may well be a limit to how much the rest of world is willing to put up with from these United States of America.

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