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Too Extreme For Alabama

There is such a thing.

In the age of Trump, sometimes it feels like everything is hopelessly fucked and there is no way to change it. Right-wing radicals are trying to lay waste to everything good.

But we’re also dropping a lot of albatrosses lately.

Bill O’ Reilly finally got too expensive for Fox. Alex Jones’ lawyer outed him as an actor. Jason Chaffetz couldn’t stand the heat in the kitchen. Those are big right-wing fish that just got netted; a propagandist, a conspiracy theorist, and a gatekeeper.

After months of smoke, we’ve found the traces of a conflagration. It’s only a matter of time before Trump and his minions get caught with empty cans of gasoline and matches.

But I bring good news from my neighbor in the Deep South.

Historically, Alabama has been a terrible place. It’s nicknamed the “Heart Of Dixie”, which translated from the Southern tongue means “Home To A Lot Of Racists”. I have been to Alabama once. It is as hot as the planet Mercury in the summertime, and I would rather be dropped there than visit Alabama again because Mercury doesn’t have mosquitoes.

George Corley Wallace Jr. was the face of Alabama and segregation in the sixties. Morris Jackson “Mo” Brooks Jr. is a representative from Alabama. Mo’s worried that there’s a war on white people. Jefferson Beauregard “Jeff” Sessions III also hails from there. Jeff is our attorney general, and is currently not sure that Hawaii is a state.

But I have good news. Another big fish from Alabammy has been speared.

We got Judge Roy Moore. After a long suspension, he’s been kicked off the fucking bench for good. Happy day!

For those of you who don’t follow these things like I do because you enjoy your sanity, Roy is best known for being an insufferable Christian bigot who could not get the concept of separation of church and state through his thick skull, nor could he comprehend the hierarchical structure of the United States court system as laid down by the Constitution.

Good news is often hard to find here at the seminary, because we are in a world of shit where the president seeks the counsel of Kid Rock. But if Alabama can work up the will to rid itself of unethical fleabag judges, there’s hope for all fifty.

 

Unbreakable Kimmy Davis

Kim Davis, World’s Ugliest Person Inside And Out, is still blithering to anyone who will listen to her about her beef with teh gay and their marriaging. She should have fucking relegated herself to hiding in a cloister but no, our special snowflake chose public service. As you well know, that is not something she is good at because she thinks some public is better than other public.

On the latest episode of “Truths That Transform” from D. James Kennedy Ministries, the organization’s president, Frank Wright, interviewed Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis about her fight against the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision, during which she refused to allow her office to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples because doing so conflicted with her religious beliefs.

“I was obeying my law,” she insisted.

Sweetcakes, no one has their own law. If we do, then I would like to tax the public for a rainy day fund dedicated to me for traveling the world, acquiring the best opium Afghanistan has to offer and I want to hire the entire Vivid stable to give me blow jobs twice a day. That is my law.

Hm. No one seems interested in my new edict. If I can’t have mine, Kim, neither can you. You were tasked to help the public but got icked out by two dudes wanting to love each other.

So now Kim, though not all that bright, decided to play semantics with some of the unfortunate couples:

“I had couples bring in the whole Supreme Court ruling and I said, ‘You know, I really don’t need to see this because that’s not a law, that’s a ruling.’

Yes. Correct. The one that doesn’t allow the government to make its own laws regarding gay marriage, You ma’am, like it or not, are bound to not do that, as part of a government operation. You and your kind tried to make your own law, and now it is unconstitutional. Your “law” is what caused the Obergfell  “ruling” to happen in the first place.

“And so then I go to the Bible and I’d tell them, [and they’d respond,] ‘Don’t be reading me the Bible.’ Well, you asked why I couldn’t issue you a marriage license and I’m explaining to you, I’m showing you why I cannot. They didn’t want to hear that though. They wanted to shove that paper down my throat and make me eat it for my dinner.”

If I was gay and wanted to get married, I’d probably want to make you eat that paper too or at least brain you upside the head with it for your obstinacy and your bible-thumping. You passed judgment-something I believe you are not to do as a Christian. You used god’s book to make them lesser beings.

I hope you feel good about it, you stupid bitch. I thought you were gone but you’re going to milk this shit for all it is worth.

 

Oh Well, The Romance Couldn’t Last Forever

As popes go, Francis is a good egg. But the fact is that he is still a religious person, and therefore believes in some very stupid things.

He’s taken the side of Kim Davis. Here you go:

Speaking to reporters on his flight home, he was asked about Christian ‘martyrs’  including Davis who claim to be ‘persecuted’ for their actions.

He said: “Conscientious objection must enter into every juridical structure because it is a right.

 “I can’t have in mind all cases that can exist about conscientious objection but, yes, I can say that conscientious objection is a right that is a part of every human right.

“And if someone does not allow others to be a conscientious objector, he denies a right.”

Conscientious objectors are civilians who refuse to serve in the military during a time of war, if we want to be picky. Those already serving don’t have access to this. Neither does Kim Davis. And what about the rights of the prospective partners? As far as I know Francis is silent on that.

I like this guy, in general. But as has been rumored, he’s not much more progressive than say, a Pope John Paul. Most, if not all of our recent pontiffs, believe in the dignity of all humans and that we are getting awful greedy in a world where billions starve and the few fart through silk. The pope is right on that the world can be rendered uninhabitable if we don’t watch ourselves. Maybe I won’t go to hell very long for being an atheist. These things are nice to hear. But it doesn’t make Francis one of us. He’s still head of a dysfunctional, antedated institution and he will probably not change Catholicism’s(or Christianity’s for that matter) biggest weaknesses. As a non-believer, I am the ultimate Protestant. There’s a gulf that we will not broach.

Sorry Francis, Kim Davis blows and so does your take on the matter.

Squaring The Circle

The “smart” Bush really knows how to toss a great word salad. Jeb is not going to be Jeb! much longer if he keeps it up. He tries to say the right thing, but no one on the lunatic right wants what he’s selling. So the poor guy has to use some boilerplate doublespeak to keep the lizard people satisfied:

Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush on Thursday weighed in on the hot-button issue of the week: whether Kentucky court clerk Kim Davis ought to be entitled – based on her religious beliefs – to defy a federal court order mandating that she issue marriage licenses to gay couples.

“[Davis] is sworn to uphold the law and it seems to me there ought to be common ground, there ought to be big enough space for her to act on her conscience and for, now that the law is the law of the land, for a gay couple to be married in whatever jurisdiction that is,” Bush said to supporters at a town hall event in Laconia, New Hampshire.

Huh? Are you having trouble understanding that? But I see what Bush is up to. He thinks he can stay on the fence when it comes to Kim Crazypants. Sorry, Jeb; there are only two sides to this argument- either you support this martyr or you chuck her under the bus. There is no space for her religious beliefs when she’s doing her job(or not). And there is no “common ground” to be found here-she follows the law or she gets prosecuted(quite different from the “persecution” she thinks she is experiencing).

Bush wants to have it both ways. He’s a coward, punting on a serious subject.

 

History In The Making

If you haven’t seen this yet, shame on you. I bet this is how it felt to attempt to desegregate the lunch counters at Woolworth’s.

Fix this, Kentucky. You recall her posthaste.

Kicking And Screaming

The tantrum over gay marriage continues, this time in Louisiana:

A routine order issued by the Louisiana Supreme Court on Tuesday transformed into a flame war among four of the court’s members, one of whom claimed that he is not obligated to follow the United States Supreme Court’s decisions.

Justice Jeannette Theriot Knoll, while conceding her obligation to follow the Supreme Court’s decision, wrote separately to complain about the “horrific impact these five lawyers have made on the democratic rights of the American people to define marriage and the rights stemming by operation of law there from.”

That prompted Justice John Weimer to retort that it is not a judge’s job to “point out what, in my view, the law should be.”

Actually, Judge Weimer, if a law is deemed unconstitutional, the Supreme Court has a duty to nullify that law. What it does is point out what the law cannot be. I can’t believe a piker like me needs to point this out. I suspect he knows the truth, though. He just wants to go on record bitching, most likely to get elected again.

The most unusual opinion of the lot came from Justice Jefferson D. Hughes, III, who dissented from the court’s conclusion that it actually must comply with binding constitutional precedents handed down by the United States Supreme Court. “Judges instruct jurors every week not to surrender their honest convictions merely to reach agreement,” Hughes began. “I cannot do so now.”

You are not a jurist. You are a judge. I think you have different rules.

Hughes’s opinion is only two paragraphs. It cites no authorities and provides no legal arguments in support of his position. It does, however, include an apparent suggestion that gay parents are pedophiles. “This case involves an adoption,” he writes, adding that “[t]he most troubling prospect of same sex marriage is the adoption by same sex partners of a young child of the same sex.”

Do we have to go through this still? Being gay and being a pedophile are two completely different things. Sure, you can be a gay pedophile, but that’s the exception, not the rule.

I’m about done with people in high places dictating what is perversion and what is not. You fuckers have to deal with the fact that some people have different sexual proclivities from you, and there is nothing wrong with that. Quit your crying. You’re embarrassing.

Last Jerks Standing

Parts of Alabama are going to whine themselves into contempt:

Yes, Alabama’s probate judges have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, a federal judge in Mobile clarified on Wednesday.

But at least six counties are holding out. Probate offices in Elmore County, Tuscaloosa County, and Escambia County are not issuing the same-sex marriage licenses. And, the probate offices in Randolph County, Colbert County, and Lauderdale County are not issuing any marriage licenses.

Explaining their actions, many of these probate office officials cited Alabama Supreme Court Chief Roy Moore’s controversial claim that no probate judge has to issue a same-sex marriage license for 25 days during a rehearing period for the U.S. Supreme Court decision.

But even The Dishonorable Judge Roy Moore is wussing out on his own proclamation:

At first today, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore said a state supreme court order effectively kept probate judges from issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples for 25 days.

Moore, however, later backtracked.

“What the order means is that within that 25-day period no (probate judge) has to issue a marriage license to a same sex couple,” Moore said.

Moore said that if he implied that the order prohibited the issuing of marriage license to same-sex couples then he misspoke.

Roy Moore is an embarrassment to benches everywhere. His offenses against good judgment are here. Impeach this clown now, Alabama-or vote him out. Until you do, you are hereby quarantined.

See A Doctor

Don’t do your religion any favors by prophesying when what you have is a mental condition:

On Tuesday’s edition of “Trunews,” End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles delivered a eulogy for America and lamented that “the America I knew and loved is dead, rest in peace. It will not be resurrected.” Wiles cited the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize marriage equality as the cause of our nation’s untimely death, calling the ruling “the final abomination.”

The fire and brimstone tribute to America ended with Wiles’ assertion that “the final abomination” was upon us, which Wiles said was a reference to a dream Pastor T.D. Hale had in 2005. In his dream, Wiles said, Hale saw an American Eagle shot down in the Oval Office, with a voice saying “Weep in the house, for the misery that shall come shortly.”

Hale envisioned a smirking President Obama, dressed in all black, stepping out from behind his desk and twisting off the Eagle’s head.

“His chest cavity was open,” Wiles narrated, “The heart was exceedingly evil with thick black smoke swirling around Obama’s heart.” Obama then picked up a gavel and a voice overhead gravely proclaimed “The final abomination.”

What the hell does Obama have to do with same-sex marriage? He came out in support of it in 2012, seven years after this “prophecy”. The Supreme Court is solely responsible for equality. Has Hale been munching on Jimson weed or peyote? That would make sense. But Obama invading your nightmares? Get your head checked, dude.

This is your brain on evangelical Christianity, folks.

On A Roll

It was closer than I thought it would be, but I’m on it. Two for three. Now to complete the trifecta that will cause right-wingers to burn from the inside out, we need a nuclear agreement with Iran.

As of now, God has not struck us with calamity over a person’s sexual identity. Once again the world gleefully spins, barely taking notice of our toxic public discourse.

Tweet away, dickheads. You lost and love won.

June Is Gonna Kill Me

This week is going to be momentous. History will be changed because of a few decisions. Not only does the Supreme Court finally rule on the federal exchange’s legality per Obamacare, but they have to rule on gay marriage. Then, when that’s done we still have to bite our nails as Iran oscillates between reconciliation and defiance.

I’m bullish on all fronts. I think the pieces will fall into place that grant freedom, choice and security. My wife is worried because she is a recipient of ACA federal subsidies. Her premiums will go through the roof without her tax credits. We are an example of Obamacare’s success, even though there are so many out there who deny its efficacy. Prediction: 6-3 finding for the government.

What will happen if gay marriage is legalized in all 50 states? I have written previously that there will be a schism in this country, a reckoning. Perhaps the antipathy towards homosexuals will fizzle with a little pop!, and the haters will be driven underground. But I don’t count the Christian right out. The rhetoric from them is clear. I can’t believe we have to have civil disobedience over someone else’s rights. I thought we were done with that. I find the distaste for gay love unnerving. They can’t leave well enough alone. Not a thing will happen to these fuckers’ marriages, but they want to criminalize love and commitment anyway-which is pretty weird given that there is a popular notion that homosexuals are promiscuous by nature. Prediction: also 6-3 in favor of marriage.

Then there is Iran. I kinda get how they work. The fierce defiance against the West is a staple of Islam’s political culture. Their leaders have to fuel the anti-American/anti-Israel vibe to justify their potency. Condemning us is a necessity to keep the rabble in line. I feel good about the chances of a viable deal, though. We’re gonna shake through this, cooler heads have prevailed at the negotiating table and we should ignore the hostile ululating from conservatives in both countries. Prediction: 80-20 chance in favor of a good deal.

We’re on the cusp of tragedy and hope. It is an interesting time to be alive. But thinking about this week hurts my head a little.

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