Blog Archives

I’m Afraid I’m Afraid

My wife’s theory about Donald Trump is that he’s a closet Democrat. She may be right. Hard-right conservatives are appalled that this million dollar moron is going to lead the Republican party. So, perhaps.

My theory? I don’t think he wants to be president. See here. I think he might be scared shitless about running this country because he doesn’t know a thing about governing. Now the smart thing to do if you are in Donald Trump’s camp is to find someone who does, much like when George W. Bush allowed Dick Cheney to conduct policy.

But his short list of veeps just got a new addition: Sarah Palin. She’s already torpedoed one campaign, why not another? Do you see what I’m getting at? There was someone out there who is more repellent and stupider than Donald Trump, and he found her. If anything, his presidency will be unimpeachable were he to choose birdbrain for vice-president. No Democrat in his or her right mind would breathe the word because they know what the alternative is. But still, I think he’s trying to scare people away from him. He’s Dr. Frankenstein, and he knows it.

This country is so alarmingly fucked up. There’s a possible future that President Palin exists in. While Democrats fight amongst each other fecklessly, Donald Trump’s doing whatever it is that he is truly doing. He might be running a serious campaign for president. I can’t tell. And that spells danger for all of us.

While you worry, enjoy this Palinism generator. It captures the essence of her run-on, un-diagrammable style of speech quite well.

You Too Can Be Illiterate And Rich

No, no you can’t. You’d have to be selected as a failed vice presidential candidate, give incoherent speeches, start your own pay-to-watch shows that no one can stomach, and buy all your books to make it look like somebody wants to hear your rambling, run-on drivel.

There is only one Sarah Palin. None of you will ever be this stupid and live like a regent at the same time. Take a look at that crazy spread in those photos.

Thanks a lot, half the population. You’ve brought this stupid bitch onto the mainland, where she is less likely to die from a bear attack. Then again, there’s always the hope that she can be the first person to accidentally discharge a weapon at the Bundy ranch.

Class envy, you say? No. I just hate people who don’t get what they deserve.

I Tried

I really did. I was very much looking forward to watching clueless flibbertigibbet Sarah Palin play journalist by “sitting down” with Donald Trump.

I made it four minutes. Maybe you’ll do better.

The worst part about it is that it bored me. I had to laugh when Palin called Trump’s campaign “avant-garde” but after that it was Sarah serving up the softballs and Trump did his usual spiel. The only thing unusual about Trump’s run is its popularity despite its obvious insanity and its proto-fascism. But let’s be real here; the reason why Trump is on top is because the candidates aside him are terrible. Every last one of them, all 4,537,892 of them, are pathetic. You would think that one of them could act presidential and send this guy packing.

Nope. Not a one. Now granted, this is silly season and I expect changes, but so far no one in the Republican party has even shown a kernel of leadership potential. Some fucking gravity. Some common sense. Some… something? Anything? I’m drinking so I’m reminded as I often am of a phrase or a song while I write. I suggest you stop watching that dreadful interview and rock out with Todd Rundgren.

The Universe Is About To Fold In On Itself

Remember that part in Ghostbusters where they had to try and make sure that Dana and Louis never meet because they will bring Gozer The Destroyer? That’s about how I feel about this:

In what can only be called the single greatest moment in the history of television—up there with the Moon Landing and the final episode of M*A*S*H*—tonight Sarah Palin will be interviewing Some rich asshole. Sarah Palin, best known for being wicked awesome with words and sentences and ideas will be having an exclusive sitdown with America’s favorite blunt racist object—Some rich asshole!

It makes sense. He’s got to court the stupid, crazy right wing( if indeed there is such a distinction to be made) of the conservative movement if he wants to secure the nomination. And who better to genuflect to than the kingmaker(more like clown prince) of the idiots, Sarah Palin.

Submitted for your approval…I bring you this from Palin’s page:

WTH? Lamestream media asks GOP personal, spiritual “gotchas” that they’d NEVER ask Hillary, or they’d feed the question to her and/or liberal cohorts before they asked it on-air (we know how these things work, lapdog media… the public’s on to you), so good on rich asshole for screwing with the reporter. By the way, even with my reading scripture everyday I wouldn’t want to answer the guy’s question either… it’s none of his business; it IS personal; what the heck does it have to do with serving as commander-in-chief; and these reporters trying to trip up conservatives can go pound sand until they ask the same things of their favored liberal pals. I’ll cover this in my interview with Some rich asshole and other candidates tonight on the One America News Network show “On Point.” The more the media does this, the more they empower America to reject them and their bias as voters run to the anti-status quo candidates daring to Go Rogue.

Sarah baby, I’m trying. I’m trying to ignore the run-on sentences, bizarre clauses and buzzwords to divine what you really mean. I think the gist of it is; the “liberal media” is being shitty to rich asshole, so I’m going to dig up my journalist creds and tell the real story.

Here’s what Sarah is bitching about:

Some rich asshole has recently grown fond of telling supporters on the campaign trail that his favorite book is the Bible — followed by his business tome “The Art of the Deal.” But when asked about his favorite Bible verse, the Republican presidential frontrunner declines to get specific.

 “I go to church and I love God and I love my church,” rich asshole boldly pronounced  in an interview on Bloomberg TV’s “With All Due Respect.” But he said the Bible was too personal to him to “get into specifics.”

“The Bible means a lot to me, but I don’t want to get into specifics,” rich asshole told Bloomberg’s Mark Halperin, refusing to list one or two favorite verses.

Pressed again, rich asshole said the Bible was simply too personal to discuss publicly: “I wouldn’t want to get into it because to me that’s very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible, it’s very personal, so I don’t want to get into verses.”

I’m an atheist and I could at least come up with one or two quotes on the spot.

John Heilemann, searching for a workaround, then asked rich asshole if he considered himself “an Old Testament guy or a New Testament guy.”

“Probably equal,” rich asshole answered matter-of-factly, explaining his inability to select just one: “The whole Bible is just incredible.”

It’s no wonder Palin reacted to this. After all, Katie Couric may have torpedoed the Sarah Express with a similar well-aimed question. In my opinion, rich asshole was asking for it. He sat down with Frank Luntz, the FRC and Liberty U to discuss his faith, for fuck’s sake! And it was a weird exchange:

rich asshole, who told CNN earlier that he is both anti-abortion and anti-same-sex marriage, said people are surprised to learn about his Christian faith.

“People are so shocked when they find … out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church and I love God and I love my church,” he said.

Moderator Frank Luntz asked rich asshole whether he has ever asked God for forgiveness for his actions.

“I am not sure I have. I just go on and try to do a better job from there. I don’t think so,” he said. “I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.”

rich asshole said that while he hasn’t asked God for forgiveness, he does participate in Holy Communion.

“When I drink my little wine — which is about the only wine I drink — and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed,” he said. “I think in terms of ‘let’s go on and let’s make it right.'”

Damn that liberal media, who have turned Luntz, the Dobson crew, and the Falwell morons into “gotcha” pod people!

Bottom line, people want to know more about Some rich asshole. He’s been going around the country, babbling about his Bibble at every stop. And his comments have troubled conservative Christians who are confused by rich asshole’s unorthodox views. I can’t say I am surprised that the “media” are digging for more.

rich asshole: all hat, no cattle. First place. I’m lovin’ it.

Sarah Palin Speaks In Mad Libs

I can’t do much with this. There’s no point in taking apart her verbiage because it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a string of non-sequiturs. Remember how you wrote in fifth grade? Yeah, that’s what we are dealing with. Guess who she’s in the tank for?

Mr. Trump should know he’s doing something right when the malcontents go ballistic in the press! There is no denying Donald J. Trump’s accomplishments and drive to create opportunity for every willing American to succeed. His own success is testament to the job-creating achievements made possible when one applies the courageous and tenacious pro-private sector precepts we need to fire up the economy. Trump joins a competitive field of GOP candidates that will duke it out in the arena of ideas and track records, a field representing diverse achievements. This, in contrast with the pro-big government party’s practice of merely anointing a chosen one, thus robbing voters of healthy debate.

Key to conservative’s victory is to do our own vetting of each candidate, focus on their ability to unleash America’s entrepreneurial spirit and dramatically shrink government in order to prioritize our nation’s security. That means we ignore the media’s participation in the liberals’ Pantsuit Politics of Personal Destruction. THEN, on an even playing field, in 2016 we charge forward after the radical left hears America shout, “You’re fired!”

– Sarah Palin

I want to kick John McCain in the jimmy. Hard.

%d bloggers like this: