Blog Archives

Bye, Asshole

I’ll miss making fun of him.

Godless Rock

No doubt that by now most of you have heard some Christian rock. It’s oxymoronic. By nature, religion does not rock. At its heart, rock is about hedonism, independence, protest, rebellion, drugs, devil worship, ennui and what Christians would call perversion. I think I’ve covered most rock themes in that list(I omit love because too often people kill the spirit of rock by being maudlin and sappy). My point is that typically the only things Christians know and get excited about is Jesus Christ, with a side of more Jesus. And all of their media is Christian. So they write what they know, sometimes in a rock format. It never works. It’s derivative and sterile.

That said, I don’t think we need atheist rock. Not specifically, anyway. “Atheism” is already a part of rock; countless songs have made fun of religion and deny God’s existence. In other words, it’s been done. I can probably cite examples off the top of my head. Here’s one about evolution and the insignificance of man against nature:

I stole the phrase “religious vomit” from this:

This is about as heretical as shit gets:

I could go on, but I won’t for space reasons. Sorry if I made you watch some ads to make a statement-that rock made for “atheists” is a bad idea. It comes off sounding as fake as Christian rock. It’s too sincere, it doesn’t flow. The reckless nature of rock is missing from the piece.

Rock is blasphemous enough. Let’s not force it.

Texas Flood

Holy post hoc to the fucking ergo propter hoc:

Glenn Beck returned from vacation today and noted that upon his return flight back to Texas, he was astonished to see the extent of the flooding that devastated large parts of the state during his absence. After co-host Stu Burguiere mocked the idea that the flooding, or the preceding drought, could in any way be attributed to climate change, Beck noted that it was actually former Gov. Rick Perry’s 2011 prayer proclamation that ended Texas’ drought.

“He was mocked for it and he went ahead and did it and that was the beginning of the end of the drought. We started having rain right after that, and this state was a desert.”

Uh, some of that rain you are speaking of has killed 22 people recently, you numbskull. Was that in the plan? One could argue that Perry caused the drought, if you look at the numbers. On average, about 75% of Texas has stayed in drought perpetually after some rain finally fell that year. Is that a miracle? God sure is a lousy horticulturist. And it took Him 168 days to answer Perry.

Millions of people hang on words like this. Think hard about that.

Screwy Louie

Did you know that the FBI was called in to investigate the lyrics of “Louie Louie” by the Kingsmen? They wrote 118 pages of analysis because some grandma complained to Bobby Kennedy about the playing and selling of the song to children. Go ahead and look; there are multiple guesses on the lyrics inside, some of them hilarious! If you don’t feel like looking, I give you a couple of great takeoffs on the song. Once again, sorry for the ads.

Music You Do Not Deserve/High Art…I Found Some!

Take equal parts Charles Manson, Robert Tilton, Daniel Johnston, John S. Hall, and Rodney Anonymous, add your favorite inhalant, a keyboard…and…

If you can’t get enough of this, you can get more here. With songs like “Where Can I Find A Ditzy Girl?” and “Would I Date An Atheist?”, how can you lose? This is so fucking good I want his t-shirt.

 

Mitt’s Shaky Abortion Stance

I’m just going to let you do the reading on the flip-floppiness of his answers.

Here is some music for you while you read.

Where The Trees Have Leaves Of Prisms

I am still trying to get over the crisis in Japan.

It haunts me, it haunts me that anyone who lives near a reactor may suffer the same fate. I hope the sites here in Georgia are taking extra precautions because we too, like Japan, live in a relatively uninhabitable place that is dotted with mountains and big ass animals, and we are using nuclear power. Every time I type a word I tax a fuel rod of its radiation which is then converted into energy that I keep using. It makes me want to stay outside, and there ain’t much outside besides fucking yard work, which I am currently delaying.

Go light on your house today, and be well. Listen to the Byrds, or some others tweeting outside.

 

Home Alone

I ain’t cute. I drink out of a toilet mug, and the other pets in my wife’s house drink from an actual toilet.

Why are we all so hung up on the toilet?, Blowing up the question, what is it with out obsession with the entire water closet? It’s like we like water. Water, as you know, makes up 2/3 of our bodies and 2/3 of the earth itself so nature answers my dumb questions this morning. I don’t know what it expects from me anyway-it’s early, I am wearing a button down shirt and thermal underwear while I write.

But anyway, aside from the kitchen, the toilet is the room Everyone Wants To Be In. A room so small you could enshrine yourself and your family in it and say it was a mausoleum. Some of us get reading done in there, even. I do occasionally. I was one of those kids who read the shampoo bottles while I sat. I learned a lot of chemical names, like “laureth sulfate” or “cocamide” or some bullshit with the # symbol defining what batch of dye it was.

Lately, as a good manic depressive, I read my drug facts, but I don’t take them to the toilet, mind you. I’m on Depakote, Zyprexa, and, naturally, Ativan because I am such a good manic depressive. NOW you know I got worry when I run that list, don’t you?

I leave you with some good music if I can find some. Here you go:

Music You Don’t Deserve

Fuck all of you. Listen up, this is your theme. Did you slip your disco, you sorry things?

Nature-Why Is It Quiet When You Are Insane?

How do you get anything done with pets in the house? I have 70 million fucking things to do from spackling the wall to washing my asshole and all I get from them is silence.

The trees are quiet. The birds are bored. Even my half-Siamese has nothing to say except her water tastes like shit and I am a lousy owner. Fortunately, Ken Salazar, Scretary of the Interior (which is where we decide how to kick nature around in the United States)  has struck down developer requests to make a landfill out of something called “The Joshua Tree”.

This is also a very bad record by U2, a band that sucked to start with and then decided to sell out and make a zoo or something. Whatever. They are millionaires and I write a blog. U2 sucks.You suck. I guarantee it.

Got no stories today except the fucking pets are losing it. However, in a little corner of the Internet, someone is working harder than I am to make the news palatable and funny.

Ladies, Roger. Roger, Ladies.

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