Category Archives: Tucker Carlson
We now return you to our somewhat irregular, yet popular installments of “Tucker Carlson Is An Asshole”. There’s a LOT of searching for that phrase, much more than you might imagine.
Today, we’ll dunk on him for disparaging women (and trans servicemembers as well) in uniform. Tucker said something so beyond the pale the Army chief of staff and the Pentagon had to respond to his chickenfeed.
“So we’ve got new hairstyles and maternity flight suits. Pregnant women are gonna fight our wars,” said Mr Carlson, seemingly making fun of servicewomen. “It’s a mockery of the US military”.
The Fox News anchor, once infamously rejected by the CIA before starting a media career, went on to compare the US military with that of China, who he complained was becoming “more masculine”.
“While China’s military becomes more masculine, as it’s assembled the world’s largest navy, our military needs to become more feminine, whatever feminine means anymore,” said Mr Carlson, who went on to make transphobic comments.
If anyone shouldn’t be making bullshit macho statements, it’s Tucker fucking Carlson. Take a look at that guy. If the word “soft” had a picture next to it in the dictionary, Tucker’s face would be there. He’d wash out of basic in the first two weeks, while the females in his platoon ran the gauntlet successfully. He is decidedly not the authority on what makes a military functional or lethal.
No one is sending pregnant women to the front lines, you insufferable prig. The military accommodates women who become pregnant and they serve in other important roles during their pregnancy. I don’t understand what the deal is with these people who can’t handle the military being sexually inclusive. Dozens of countries have an integrated military and it doesn’t suffer one whit as a result.
To that end, I’ve got news for Tucker.
I was going to wax jolly today by doing another installment in the “Tucker Carlson Is An Asshole” series, after he opined on Fox And Friends over the phone that while a person like Kim Jong Un was indefensible, you still have to kill people to lead a country. So that’s not really a strike against him in today’s Tucker Carlson world.
Tucker is up Donald Trump’s ass so far that he can take the place of Trump’s next colonoscope in reliably counting and detecting his polyps. I do get realpolitik, but it is not necessary to kill in order to lead. Perhaps Tucker has “The Prince” next to his bedroom toilet and is misreading a difficult paragraph that’s taking him longer to comprehend than it takes him to poop. Happens to the best of us. But there it was-yeah, Jong-Un’s a bloodthirsty Stalinist, but when has that stopped us from making nice? Now you see, Tucker’s not wrong per se on that count, it’s just that it’s breathtaking to listen to him say that it’s OK. There’s the thing that’s new. None of this has been so above board or blithely shrugged at than at this moment in time. Well, that’s not necessarily true-we got a whole lot of people thinking torture and the supsension of habeas corpus was cool during the Bush years, so maybe it’s just the newness of this madding crowd who will excuse anything President Halfwit devises to make himself more popular or richer, even if that anything means shaking hands and cheesing with the leader of the biggest, ugliest cult of personality on the planet. Indeed, Trump probably thinks he’s going to singlehandedly “open” North Korea like Nixon opened China. But like everything, Trump hasn’t done his homework first and doesn’t understand the knot he’s trying to untie. At the heart of North Korea’s philosophy is juche. They don’t need Trump’s sugar daddy ass to get by, they don’t need any of our asses. So chances are Kim is unimpressed with Trump’s talk of $$$ and is just suffering a doddering fool who is helping legitimize his insane nuclear armed prison colony.
Alright. There I go, off fucking track as usual and I do want to get something in about the humanitarian crisis in the immigrant detention centers just to get it down to say it’s really happening. It’s been difficult heretofore to get a look into these facilities; lawmakers have been blocked from touring and lawyers are not permitted to have cell phones or recording devices. But just recently, the OIG released a June report about overcrowding, complete with color pictures. If you are quick to anger or sorrow, be advised these pictures are hard to look at.
Basically, free range chicken has a better daily existence than the immigrants being detained by the American government. It’s disgusting and fucked up and it needs to stop now. This is probably why Nancy Pelosi didn’t argue much with Senate Democrats about guarantees as to where that $4.5 billion went; she knew the money needed to get to these people and fast.
You can go suck the dick of Satan himself if you don’t think these are concentration camps.
Wake the fuck up.
UPDATE 7/14/19: Mike Pence bloodlessly tours an overcrowded facility without a blink or scintilla of empathy and deems it well run. This country is literally being run by ghouls and I can’t believe we are staring down at least a year and a half more of this shocking insanity.
Everyone wants to know what an asshole Tucker Carlson is lately.
At least that’s what my stats say.
I have updated, as I have promised in the past, all of the old clips of Tucker being an asshole. I have to constantly check those posts for dead links because Fox is very busy scrubbing embarrassing clips of their newest eight o’clock attack chihuahua from YouTube. Fortunately for us, someone reposts them and I can repair the links. You keep coming by, so I feel obliged to keep hosting these clips.
So, why is Tucker such a hot topic lately?
I confess, I do not know the details of how Tucker Carlson and Michael Avenatti began feuding-but that seems to be why we’re all gawking at their television battle from a few days ago. I think there had been some pro wrestling-grade challenges and insults being thrown about between the two of them and Tucker ostensibly wanted to have a real conversation beyond the name-calling.
But that’s not how Carlson works, you see. He’s but one in a line of professional bigmouth hosts on Fox News who make their money by distorting a guest’s position repeatedly, then talk over them while they try to explain what their actual position is until they get flustered, distracted or irritated, and then after seven or eight minutes of enervating bad faith arguing they claim victory over their unfortunate guest and end the segment.
Bill O’Reilly is the grandpoppa of this kind of garbage Fox programming. I still remember when he started out. The O’Reilly Factor, like it or not, was positively explosive in its early days. You couldn’t turn away because the wreckage was fascinating. He’d shout his guests down and then cut their mike off if they starting getting in a word over Bill’s indignant ranting. Then you had Sean Hannity, who used poor Alan Colmes as a whipping boy nightly to practice for his solo red-white-and-blue smug superiority fest. And our friend Tucker has now inherited the mantle of chief doucherino at the start of prime time since O’Reilly became radioactive after we all found out how icky the culture at Fox was. I guess if you wanted to you could trace right wing asshole TV history back to Morton Downey Jr., who screamed in the faces of “pablum-puking liberals” who were told to zip it if they tried to talk. These trailblazers are part of Tucker Carlson’s pedigree.
Anyway, Michael Avenatti, who is porn actress Stormy Daniels’ lawyer as you undoubtedly know by now, has made quite the name for himself trying to bring Donald Trump to account for his adultery, and in the process of doing so may have found a political niche as a dark horse candidate for president, believe it or not. But he’s no dummy, and he’s definitely no-bullshit. You will note that Trump has very little to say about Avenatti or Daniels and that’s interesting because Trump usually has a 7-year old Twitter taunt for nearly all of his detractors. Avenatti clearly holds a pair of scissors for which to cut down the sword of Damocles hanging over the head of the liar-in-chief. But Tucker went out dutifully to try to defame the pugnacious laywer. Here’s how it went. I haven’t got any options as far as a source for this except Fox so I don’t expect this to last long.
Tucker came out the gate with a question about a metaphor Avenatti used at a rally about the Russian hack. Now Tucker, like the president, has made the case in the past that we should be friends with Russia, as long as they do things like fight ISIS. And Ralph Peters, who is normally halfway to crazy, did try to set him straight on what a bad idea that was when he appeared on Tucker’s show. He really wanted to know what Avenatti would do if 100,000 troops from Russia did indeed land on America, so a) a metaphor is a metaphor, you fucking jackass and b) it will never happen so it’s a pointless hypothetical. But that’s what Tucker chose to lead with. That pissed off Avenatti, who said that he was told by Tucker’s people that the discussion would be about the Daniels case. So the ambush and the distraction started immediately. The chyron began to refer to Avenatti as a “creepy porn lawyer“, something which the guest set as a condition that Fox not do that since that’s the childish insult that Carlson used on a regular basis before booking Avenatti. Quite simply, he wanted Tucker to grow up, and the little prick decided not to. Avenatti was interrupted within about 20 seconds of the interview, and warned Tucker right there that he was not going to participate in the usual games that Tucker plays with guests who oppose him ideologically. Yet throughout the “interview” Carlson could not stop talking over his guest as usual. He kept returning to the metaphor, saying that Avenatti’s rhetoric against Russia is heating things up recklessly. As if Vladimir Putin even knows who the fuck Michael Avenatti is.
Avenatti found that ironic, of course, getting in a jab about reckless rhetoric that Carlson has engaged in. Since my constitution will not allow me to watch Fox, I’ll take his word for it. Trumpers (et al.) routinely project their faults on others. And furthermore, if anyone is going to criticize heated-up rhetoric, shouldn’t we be looking at the president’s fucking Twitter feed first?
Anyway, Carlson spent over five minutes parsing a metaphor. Then he trotted out the Trump chestnut that Obama spied on Carter Page, and poor Avenatti had to patiently explain that was bullshit. Three times. Avenatti did his best to steer the conversation back to the topic he was there to discuss, that of Stormy Daniels’ legal plight and the possibility that campaign finance laws were violated to buy her silence. It didn’t stick, and Tucker basically started to demand that Avenatti explain what harm was done to the country if the president was a liar and a cheater, which again is an idiotic and stupefyingly ironic question coming from a Republican that the now distracted and annoyed guest had to answer. The discussion eventually devolved into cheap shots, name calling, more interruptions, sweeping pronunciamentos, untruths, a truly bizarre back and forth on morality and porn watching habits, and then Tucker abruptly shut Avenatti down, ending the segment with a final dig.
The whole 13 minute ordeal was an absolute mess. My only wish is that they were two drunks in a bar so that Michael could clean Tucker’s clock, because live TV was the only thing keeping Avenatti in his seat. It was pretty obvious that Tucker was not there to let Avenatti make his case, as he said he would. Rather, his job was to smear and embarrass his guest at the behest of his network, which is increasingly looking more and more like state-run TV for the Republican party.
His job, as always, was to be an asshole.
Here’s some of Avenatti’s CNN post-game. He says Democrats should be willing to go into the lion’s den and do these shows, but I don’t know. There’s that old proverb about not wrestling a pig, you know?
UPDATE Sep 18, 2008: Now we know why Carlson wanted to bring up Carter Page out of the blue. The president released documents about the FISA warrant on him today, lord knows why. It probably will not prove anything he has said or exculpate him in any way. Fox was clearly priming the pump for the release.
I seem to be hitting a little speedbump in titling screeds about Tucker Carlson and how much of an asshole he is. So I twisted a Pet Shop Boys lyric a little, in part because that’s what I thought they were saying all these years after MTV brought them to me.
So. Bill O’ Reilly is gone, leaving a huge vacuum in the Fox universe, one waiting to be filled by some other conservative apologist and railer against any kind of change in the world. Enter Tucker Carlson. Now, I expect Bill O’ Reilly to pine for the days of white yore. He was old. Tucker, on the other hand, is only a few years older than I am. The “things aren’t how they used to be” bitching doesn’t work coming from him, there’s just an inescapable inauthenticity in his shtick.
Basically, he’s full of shit. I am unsure that he is aware of this. Either Fox told him to imitate O’ Reilly or he’s a cranky geezer in a 48 year old body that thinks anything old must be good. Here’s Tucker, defending fucking Christopher Columbus, with the disingenuousness turned up to 11 as usual:
You can parse all that bullshit for yourself, if you like. I haven’t the time nor the inclination to stop and start this half-assed Gish Gallop of nonsense. Sorry.
So-it’s a war on “the West”, eh, Tucker? Fuck you. You and I know that’s just doublespeak for white European culture, which Carlson thinks is the only thing that has helped all of the mud people in the world walk on two legs and read a Bible.
This is all very amusing coming from the right wing, who hates an actual victim but being a pretend one is A-OK.
“Reason, tolerance, free inquiry – those are Western civilization’s central gifts to the world”, he says, after taking a dump on any type of inquiry that doesn’t genuflect to traditional thinking.
I know he thinks he’s cute and clever. I’m guessing his smarmy, smug, face-punchable act is going over well with the AARP demographic who is happy to see that some young people were brought up right. Fortunately, the trend of education and knowledge in today’s young folks is heading the opposite way, learning real tolerance and out-of-the-box thinking, and we know that because of the proliferation of simpletons like Tucker coming to the rescue the indefensible in our history. Conservatives are scared and confused because they live a lie. They have their own universe in which nothing needs to change, buttressed by an information stream replete with assholes who keep the comfortable lies fresh, fresh as if they were something new.