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Too Extreme For Alabama

There is such a thing.

In the age of Trump, sometimes it feels like everything is hopelessly fucked and there is no way to change it. Right-wing radicals are trying to lay waste to everything good.

But we’re also dropping a lot of albatrosses lately.

Bill O’ Reilly finally got too expensive for Fox. Alex Jones’ lawyer outed him as an actor. Jason Chaffetz couldn’t stand the heat in the kitchen. Those are big right-wing fish that just got netted; a propagandist, a conspiracy theorist, and a gatekeeper.

After months of smoke, we’ve found the traces of a conflagration. It’s only a matter of time before Trump and his minions get caught with empty cans of gasoline and matches.

But I bring good news from my neighbor in the Deep South.

Historically, Alabama has been a terrible place. It’s nicknamed the “Heart Of Dixie”, which translated from the Southern tongue means “Home To A Lot Of Racists”. I have been to Alabama once. It is as hot as the planet Mercury in the summertime, and I would rather be dropped there than visit Alabama again because Mercury doesn’t have mosquitoes.

George Corley Wallace Jr. was the face of Alabama and segregation in the sixties. Morris Jackson “Mo” Brooks Jr. is a representative from Alabama. Mo’s worried that there’s a war on white people. Jefferson Beauregard “Jeff” Sessions III also hails from there. Jeff is our attorney general, and is currently not sure that Hawaii is a state.

But I have good news. Another big fish from Alabammy has been speared.

We got Judge Roy Moore. After a long suspension, he’s been kicked off the fucking bench for good. Happy day!

For those of you who don’t follow these things like I do because you enjoy your sanity, Roy is best known for being an insufferable Christian bigot who could not get the concept of separation of church and state through his thick skull, nor could he comprehend the hierarchical structure of the United States court system as laid down by the Constitution.

Good news is often hard to find here at the seminary, because we are in a world of shit where the president seeks the counsel of Kid Rock. But if Alabama can work up the will to rid itself of unethical fleabag judges, there’s hope for all fifty.

 

Last Jerks Standing

Parts of Alabama are going to whine themselves into contempt:

Yes, Alabama’s probate judges have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, a federal judge in Mobile clarified on Wednesday.

But at least six counties are holding out. Probate offices in Elmore County, Tuscaloosa County, and Escambia County are not issuing the same-sex marriage licenses. And, the probate offices in Randolph County, Colbert County, and Lauderdale County are not issuing any marriage licenses.

Explaining their actions, many of these probate office officials cited Alabama Supreme Court Chief Roy Moore’s controversial claim that no probate judge has to issue a same-sex marriage license for 25 days during a rehearing period for the U.S. Supreme Court decision.

But even The Dishonorable Judge Roy Moore is wussing out on his own proclamation:

At first today, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore said a state supreme court order effectively kept probate judges from issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples for 25 days.

Moore, however, later backtracked.

“What the order means is that within that 25-day period no (probate judge) has to issue a marriage license to a same sex couple,” Moore said.

Moore said that if he implied that the order prohibited the issuing of marriage license to same-sex couples then he misspoke.

Roy Moore is an embarrassment to benches everywhere. His offenses against good judgment are here. Impeach this clown now, Alabama-or vote him out. Until you do, you are hereby quarantined.

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