Category Archives: Uncategorized

Japanese Pink Film Star Singing

There.

That’ll do for a title until I think of something else. It’s what I’m currently listening to, and besides, you weirdos only come see me for my dirt on Nancy Reagan anyway. If you are interested, the album is actually really good, even if it didn’t have her moaning over every song (she sings but there is a moan layer over everything). There is one BDSM track. The music? It’s like what would happen if Quentin Tarantino scored a James Bond film. The artist/actress is Reiko Ike, and she came to me by way of purchasing a used copy of Ween’s swan song, La Cucaracha (which is a pretty good album and you can fuck right off if you don’t think so). Reiko was tucked away in the fold. Ween fans know what’s up.

There aren’t whole lot of photos of Reiko with clothes on, so I’ll offer up the album cover and hope that social media doesn’t notice.

Now that I’ve opened with that, I’m feeling a bit gauche now because I wanted to talk about how seemingly fucked up it was to wait nine days to tell the public that US servicemen and women were casualties when the airbases were attacked in the Iranian response for whacking Soleimani.

This kind of hiding casualties is unprecedented to me. Every time a soldier was wounded or fell in Iraq it was recorded and reported. And that war, I don’t have to tell you, was soaked in blood on the regular.

Now in one way, this looks like classic Trump, to run away from a decision that has any real gravity. Because had he had to break the news that our people were hurt by Iranian missiles, we would have to respond inside Iran.

War. Maybe World War 3.

So he did what he knew best to do. He lied. “All is well.” “So far so good.”

Nine days later, we report hurt soldiers. What the fuck? I’m sorry, it never takes that long to count casualties, much less report them.

But damn, I mean he got the Pentagon, the DOD, the Chiefs, everyone to stand down and let the reporting lapse.

How???

It’s entirely possible that anyone in office may have delayed the news of the injured soldiers because actually attacking Iran itself is one hell’s bell we truly can’t unring, one that could possibly begin or end with a nuclear bomb exchange and everyone who could conceivably deploy that weaponry knows it. So there was simply no tat for Iran’s tit that made any existential sense; even a boob like Trump must know this on some base level, and if he didn’t someone responsible made sure he couldn’t do something rash.

So we waited until the heat of the moment passed to release the assessment. Perhaps that was the right thing to do in a moment that could have decided humanity’s fate. Thank god no one died. It would have been on like Donkey Kong if we had to give a name to the American public.

And to that effect, Iran did its best to bruise us instead of burn us. They too know how far they can run up to the line before it’s too late to turn back.

Blink If You Understand

So! We are still here.

For now.

I bet you’re all pining for fucking 2019 about now. Someone has got to bring this year to heel already.

On January 3rd, Donald Trump nearly started World War Three by extrajudiciously and egregiously assassinating a venerated Iranian general who had nothing at all to do with the US embassy attack in Iraq. Last night, Iran responded by launching missile attacks on two of our bases in Iraq. There is no official report of casualties as I write this. It’s 8:45AM the following morning.

As we watched our TVs last night to see if we needed to start praying, we longed for a leader to make a speech, something to make us feel more secure that things we going to be OK, one way or another. At least I did. I’m not a follower per se, but I feel there should be people who know how to tend others besides themselves in any group.

Of course, all we got was this inane tweet telling us shit we already knew because we use the same fucking internet and have the same access to journalism as King Asshole does:

Day late and a dollar short, Zippy.

Anyway, the world’s existence, nay, the human race’s existence is largely dependent on which Donald Trump shows up for work today.

That’s a scary ass truth, ain’t it? Like I said, gimme back 2019.

We could get the Paper Tiger Trump. This is my favorite Trump; it attempts to be hyperaggressive one day only to back down the next day or so. Remember when Trump dropped a MOAB in Afghanistan when he first got elected and then just forgot about that war? That Trump. We need Paper Tiger Trump to show up today.

The other Trump that may come to work is Belligerent Trump. Sometimes Trump loves the smell of his farts and believes his own hype about what a tough guy he is. This Trump will continue to attack tit for tat with Iran, who could conceivably attack dozens of allies around the globe and then someone drops a nuke and then it’s buckwheats for the world.

A final possibility could be the Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. This Trump is similar to the Belligerent Trump, except this one is convinced of the superiority of his own intellect and will do the opposite of what people who know what the fuck they are talking about tell him to do. This is “I alone can fix it” Trump. You notice that experts are leaving this administration in droves; that’s because they hate Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. Will also cause WWIII.

Anyway, Iran has announced that it has extracted its pound of flesh, whatever that amounts to; now all we have to do is just be magnanimous and ask for a truce. Trump needs to blink because this is not about him, it’s about billions of us- and he needs to fucking wake up to that reality and take this chance to look like a goddamn statesman with grace, integrity and perspicacity just once in his shit political career.

UPDATE 10AM: Iran missile strikes designed to avoid casualties. We need a steady fucking hand right now and I don’t like our chances.

Iran So Far Away

Confused about all the hullabaloo surrounding the assassination of the Iranian general, Qasem Soleimani?

You sure are not alone. I know I’ve been. It’s taken me far too long to piece it together.

There are two ways to look at the way Trump has gone about violently retaliating against Iraqi-Iranian assets.

One is that the tail is wagging the dog, and that he’s just trying to start a fight to distract from all the trouble he’s in. I do not favor this interpretation, as it does not keep him out of hot water any more than, say, impeachment increased his standing in the polls. It’s just something people say when they don’t know what else to say. Trump crimes right in front of our fucking faces all the time and if this donnybrook wasn’t around he’d be flooding the zone with some other garbage. All this hamfistedness and risk is not necessary if the goal is to keep you from looking the other way. Furthermore, Trump is already on his way to making what he’s doing just one more impeachable offense-he failed to alert Congress, contravening the War Powers Act. So he can’t even wag the fucking dog right.

The second way is to look at this as a simple chain of events gone horribly wrong. Someone chucked a shitload of rockets at an Iraqi airbase, killing an American contractor and wounding several U.S. troops. Days later, CENTCOM concludes that a group called Kata’ib Hezbollah was responsible for the attacks. But that’s a bit on the odd side, because since 2016 Kata’ib has been part of the Popular Mobilization Forces, an amalgam of paramilitaries allied with one goal: killing ISIS wherever they find it in the Middle East, particularly Iraq and Syria. In fact, they’re actually considered a wing of the Iraqi army, so I’m not ready to buy this story. The US has a shit track record on who to blame for what so I don’t know what to think. Anyway, our response was disproportionate and inadvisable, striking targets in Iraq and Syria, killing 25 Popular Mobilization Forces militamen and wounding dozens. Two days later the US embassy in the Green Zone is breached and overrun by angry protestors waving Popular Mobilization flags. And again, our response was a wild overreaction. We droned the No.2 of The Popular Mobilization Forces, Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis- and quite possibly by accident, the commander of the Iranian Quds Force, the aforementioned general Soleimani. The Quds Force is kind of a big fucking deal to the Iranians, so we’ve kind of stuck our dicks in the mashed potatoes, so to speak. The safety of Americans around the world is now in jeopardy. Hell, the safety of any of our allies’ people for that matter. He was a no-good customer to be sure, but I hope the blowback for this fuckup is minimal.

It’s a hell of a speculation I’m engaging in here, but it’s not illogical. Trump may have blundered (that would sure be weird) and offed the wrong guy and now he has to get all belligerent with Iran like he meant to do this. Now the Iraqis want US troops out to smooth over tensions (for which Twitler says he’ll sanction Iraq like Iran. WTF?). No matter what is true, the next few weeks might be tight, because Trump’s too dumb for diplomacy and I can’t say for sure what might happen if we hit targets inside Iran. It could be catastrophic, because there may well be a limit to how much the rest of world is willing to put up with from these United States of America.

The Impeachment Song Of J. Donald Trump

I was snoozing on the couch when it happened. I was dreaming about the vote, and halfway through it I woke and found myself watching the official count and its tally. I had gone to sleep to Morning Joe, having forgotten that Jerry Nadler, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, scheduled the vote for 10AM.

President Trump will soon have an asterisk in the history books next to his name as having been impeached for obstructing Congress and abuse of power. He will be the third executive in American history to be noted thusly.

I am happy it’s finally here, but remain rather underwhelmed. Donald Trump is getting away scot-free for several, if not many crimes which had already been limned out in the Mueller report. My hope was that the Democrats did the GOP like they did Benghaaaazi except it’d be real and drag the shitshow, with its endless fount of malfeasance to work with, all the way out to November where no one but the truly crazed will pull a lever for that rat bastard. It’s not like they’d have to do a whole lot of legwork, because the GOP, to include Trump, is very bad at criming. We could have gotten that slimy cocksucker and his cheerleaders to resign. There’s no reason why we couldn’t have invoked contempt and start fining and jailing people until they testified once we dislodged the OLC “protections” through a court order.

Or was there? I am not wise enough to know.

That said, they’ve been very good at circling the wagons so far to protect everyone who crimed, and there’s always the possibility that Bill Barr and McConnell have aborted Democratic efforts to convict. Absent the House, Trump and his cronies can bury their shenanigans, and to that point he will not be removed and the worst that can happen is that all we have done is played a safe hand that will win us little. This is the party over principle crew, and if you are still a fan, you’re pretty fucked up in the head and you need to go to church and ask Jesus for forgiveness and watch something besides Fox. Not that that will unfuck you, since you’ve been conditioned to hate the news in general.

Yet, I refuse to believe that the Democrats brought us this far to check a box while Trump can skate away from charges stemming from the testimonies of experts and corroborators whom the public is unfortunately only vaguely familiar with. I want to believe that we’re going to gobsmack the GOP with our surgical articles so completely that to acquit would mean the end of their careers at the very least, and perhaps the beginning of new investigations at best.

This feels rushed, but maybe that’s simply because we have what we need. Time will tell. I’m hearing rumblings that Chief Roberts is going to have a bone to pick with McConnell and senators who have already signaled that they will be flipping off this trial without looking at the evidence, so there’s that in the mix too.

I don’t know if we are in the middle game or the end. Your guess is good or better than mine. They got Al Capone on tax evasion; perhaps airtight but simple articles will bring the criminal in the White House to his knees as well.

Hill Or High Water

I’ve been shying away from the impeachment hearings, as I believe that there’s not much chance that Republicans are going to actually listen to the facts brought forth and weigh in on the merits to the case of a quid pro quo by President Trump to gain uncomfortable information on who he thought would be his rival in the 2020 showdown.

That was a mistake on my part. These hearings are fascinating.

Comparison to Watergate is inevitable, but perhaps in-congruent. Nixon and Trump, true, were/are both raging paranoiacs who used cheap and dirty tactics to discredit their opponents. Nixon, smarting from the release of The Pentagon Papers, tried to defame Daniel Ellsberg as some sort of kook. When there was no more daylight between him and the burglary, he quit because he had no friends left, except maybe Kissinger.

I currently think that Trump will eventually resign as well but he’s proven to be a lot slipperier that Nixon. He’s sealed off what’s left of his inner circle from the impeachment inquiry, as if they had all signed an NDA- the OLC is currently providing legal cover for them to decline a subpoena just by being in the employ of the president, a notion that is challengeable in court I imagine. He’s got GOP rank and file ready to fall on swords throughout Congress. Tens of millions of people still say Trump or bust.

If you were there, might I ask- was the entire right side of the aisle riding Nixon’s jock until the dots couldn’t be ignored? Did Nixon habitually lie to confuse people? Was there something like Fox News operating as a cheering section for the troubled president? It’s just crazy. This has got to be worse than Watergate. During these hearings, witnesses have testified to Democrats what they knew about Trump’s missiles-for-dirt pressure campaign upon Ukraine’s President Zelensky. Then the complicit Republicans fulminate for their time, trying to cook up a reverse narrative, that it was Trump trying to root out corruption in the new government, corruption that may have involved the son of the man he thought would be most likely to oppose him in the general. I figure they were going to wait til later to throw that grenade, but circumstances demand that they throw it now because otherwise it’s all Democrats all day building a case so what they have tried to do is use their five minutes to lie and spout calumny about the nature of the inquiry and those testifying against Emperor Zero and then Hannity and Fox and Friends take the ball from there, snipping it all up making it look like Republicans had carried the day.

That couldn’t be further from the truth, though. I finally sat down to watch some testimony today, and boy, did I pick a hell of a day. The erudite and now famous Dr. Fiona Hill came to speak, and she did not come to jack around. She recalled incredible amounts of information that did real damage to the Trump claim that he was not trying to play fuck-fuck with a new Ukrainian government. Adam Schiff has been squeezing the tube from the bottom, just like he should, setting up grander questions for bigger fish thus calling for an undeniable need for Trumpists in positions of power to spit out what they know under oath. That would be game, set and match, the conditions under which I believe Trump would take a powder rather than get removed.

The hearings were amazing today, and everyone should avail themselves of all of the testimony given so far. It’s quite riveting if you ignore all the idiotic, whiny GOP noise masquerading as cross examining (none of them, save counsel, had questions) that is no doubt being digested as I write this by easily conned Fox viewers.

Two things stood out for me today that bear note. Here’s Fiona Hill patiently and succinctly warning everyone about the intent of Trumpublicans to counterspin the Trump/Zelensky fiasco as if the Ukraine were attacking our elections, and she doesn’t mince words about where that notion came from.

Boom.

You’re all Putin’s bitches.

Also, Eric Swallwell sent Devin Nunes a little chin music, disclosing that he has ties with the Giuliani goons who almost fled prosecution.

If you are free from the singsong of the right wing Wurlitzer and actually watched the proceedings, you clapped in your living room several times today even though no one else was there. Then you thanked god as you came to know him that there’s still some fucking professionals left in the government to expose a pissant president and his eagerness to sell this country out to Russia to personally enrich himself in any way he can.

Racism To The Top

Trumpers recoil reflexively in disgust when you tell them that President Trump is a racist. They often want proof on the spot, even though proof would find them to be racist as well. Anything except Trump declaring full-throatedly, ‘Yes folks, I’m a racist!!!’ will fall short in an attempt to convince them. Even then there would be arguments about context.

You can point to his anti-immigrant policies, the attempt to construct a border wall, the Muslim travel ban, or the refusal to help Puerto Rico recover from a highly destructive hurricane as tangible evidence that he doesn’t like brown people a whole lot. Some of them don’t vote and if they did, it would not be for him. So being racist/white supremacist (pick your label) works for Trump because minorities don’t merit a “deal” in his mind. Not that it has to directly do with racism, but simply as an example of how small-minded and vindictive he can be-California is currently on fire and I submit that because it is such a blue state, he’s ignoring it because its citizens- again, don’t do anything for him.

But lately, he’s promoting racism in such a manner that it deserves more scrutiny. It’s Native American Heritage Month. Did you know that? I did not know that, being white and all until the president renamed it “National American History and Founders Month”. It’s probably not an accident that Twitler put Andrew Jackson on the wall of the Oval Office, a giant fuck you to the people who lived here before we stuffed them in giant concentration camps reservations.

Yesterday at a rally, Trump made it crystal clear, though. The motherfucker flashed the “white power” hand gesture. He couldn’t help his bloated transgressive self. There’s a mini-mythology about this gesture. Instances where the sign is flashed in conservative spaces are considered an inside joke. They insist it is meaningless, a hoax that they have perpetrated to own the libs who get triggered over anything. I still don’t quite get the joke, which is fine because conservatives are bad at funny and evidently lousy at irony as well.

It just so happens that the people who think this is humorous are usually pretty damn racist. When the sign is flashed, make no mistake-it’s a coded dog-whistle between themselves and other racists. They’re only fooling themselves if they think otherwise. The hoax has turned into something quite real. Here’s our president, soon to be impeached, letting everyone know who and what he is and not giving a shit:

As Trump’s base of support hemorrhages, he will have to directly appeal to smaller and smaller niches, and I guess white supremacists- many of whom do not know they are racists- are numerous enough that flashing that “joke” white power sign is not to his detriment when measured. It’s a cheap appeal to that loathsome, deplorable, uneducable trashy white whose vote he desperately needs if he is to survive another election.

And the worst part of it is that this is not the ground floor of how gross Trump can get. Believe me.

Wanderers

I guess it is time to discuss the Kurds. Who are they and why is it important?

Many of us are hearing of them for the first time, which is a bit unusual because they were pivotal participants in the fight for Iraq during “the insurgency” post-occupation and bravely fought the emergence of the ISIS cancer as well. I remember being there in 2003 and seeing graffiti in Baghdad that said “PKK”, which I did not understand at the time. They’ve been at this war thing for more than a minute.

You may be asking other questions. Why do so many people suddenly give a damn about them? What is it that we owe to the Kurdish people?

If you just got here, we just fucked them over big time by ceding a part of their “territory” to Turkey. You won’t find “Kurdistan” on a contemporary map, and I suspect you never will. However, here’s a representation of what an autonomous Kurdish state would look like. As a people, they are a victim of the sloppy partitioning of the Middle East by Western powers.

Anyway, we fortified them so they could battle ISIS largely in our stead, and now we are forcing them to run from the land they know as home in Syria. Thanks to the capriciousness of Donald Trump, we unleashed the cruelty of the Turkish military upon Kurdish civilians. Rumors of torture and the deployment of Willy Pete abound.

Having said that, let’s be clear: double-crossing is as American as apple pie. To me, there’s nothing particularly shocking about America hanging the Kurds out to dry. The United States likes the map the way it is. There has never, not even in the virtuous Obama administration, been a mandate for an independent Kurdistan. They have de facto control over northern Iraq, but it’s unlikely that it will become a new “country” and we would probably not support separatism were they to declare independence.

The double cross is certainly not uniquely American. Sometimes, it’s just the way of the world; countries ally so long as they have mutual interests and then part ways when they no longer have them. Think Soviet Russia during and after World War II. Now, the thing about Kurds that makes their situation somewhat unique is that they have no country. Their territory, if you want to call it that, sprawls across four Middle Eastern states. They are fraught with hostile powers on all sides-being a Kurd has been a tough row to hoe, although they are certainly not strangers to violence and defense. I think that perhaps that “wandering” position that they are in makes some of us sympathetic to their desire for land they can call their own. Their struggle, if it can be compared to anything in recent memory, echoes that of the Jewish Zionists, who were very useful to the West by establishing an aggressive client state in the midst of the Arab-dominated Middle East.

I am certainly not saying it is OK at all to greenlight hostilities against allied people only to try futilely to halt them mere days later. The feckless infant occupying the Oval Office has once again shown us he doesn’t have the courage to follow through on his ill-informed adventures; he’s never met a policy he can’t do a quick 180 on. It’s gotten innocents pointlessly murdered this time; it’s as ugly as it sounds and he’s hopefully not going to have much success spinning it as some sort of victory to his enablers in the Senate, especially if the incursion into Syria is shown to be part of a financial “deal” with the Turks.

What we are finding out is that the only thing that really motivates Trump into ever acting is by offering something valuable to him. It’s quid pro quos all the way down. It is shocking in its brazenness and bloodlessness. We shouldn’t forget what that monstrous prick has done to the innocent Kurds to deal things to himself- even as we must and shall make room for new headlines no doubt screaming about the latest Trump transgression against vaunted American ideals and values. Sadly, the massacre of innocents abroad probably won’t be enough for our “conservative” lawmakers to stop normalizing this insane monkey business.

I ask: how much longer, Lord? How much more?

Nancy Boy

By early afternoon Howe felt he had enough men to launch his assault. As the British forces began their advance, the cannonade from Copp’s Hill and British warships ceased. In line formation, the two wings had to negotiate fences and other obstacles as they slowly neared the Provincial line. The men from Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New Hampshire were ordered to hold their fire until the enemy drew so close that their musket fire would have its most devastating effect. It was at this time, legend claims, that one of the commanding officers from the colonies ordered: “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes!

The musket fire proved devastating when the advancing British came into range.

I think I can speak for my generation when I say that none of us will ever forget the story of The Battle Of Bunker Hill largely because of General Prescott’s famous (and perhaps apocryphal) command.

I also remember being taught that the colonists ran out of shot and had to use whatever they could as a projectile. Nails. Concrete. They fixed bayonets. It was quite a tableau for my impressionable head.

In the end, they had to retreat. But not before we gave the Redcoats a wicked bloody nose. They paid more than we did to take the high ground.

There is no parallel in history that comes to mind more trenchantly than that Revolutionary War battle and where we are at on an impeachment of Donald Trump.

This will be the second time that I’ve given Nancy Pelosi the benefit of the doubt regarding the matter. But the fact is that she is under an extreme amount of pressure. She has to satiate and continue to captivate the angry voters who have seen enough and need impeachment as a balm, and also protect vulnerable blue dogs in key states who cannot call for impeachment if they want to keep their jobs.

The American electorate is fickle; and our politicians have to try to placate a majority of their voters so they can stay in office. I’m pretty far left, but I think I understand and appreciate that this is a delicate balancing maneuver that the Speaker and the Democratic establishment are attempting.

I’ll just say it again for those of you in the cheap seats: impeachment can’t come yet. It’s certainly not for lack of crimes committed by this administration. It is about numbers and timing. It isn’t about Pelosi’s choice at all, and I don’t think she is stringing us along. It would be an enormous and inadvisable gamble to presume that Democrats will go to the polls no matter how much our concerns are ignored because the alternative sucks way more. The Speaker gets that we’re mad and impatient and if she and Democratic leadership learned anything at all from 2016, it’s that significant numbers of lefties (some of who are party faithful) will cut off their noses happily and withhold enough votes that will send the Democrats back to the woods to figure out how they blew an easy election.

Again.

No thank you.

So: let’s talk numbers. Since last tally, 70 representatives were ready to vote for impeachment, 69 of which were Democratic. We needed more than three times that to gain the majority on the question of impeachment. That was June.

As of this writing, that number has grown to 164 Democrats (and Justin Amash). Doing the math, that leaves 54 representatives that need to sign on to notch a simple majority that would pass articles. It’s a majority of Democrats, yes- but QED, those are not the numbers the Speaker needs to launch a successful campaign to impeach. With any luck, it won’t take much longer for the number of YEAS to increase significantly.

Second of all, Nancy only gets one shot at this- so she needs to use a great deal of breath control to bag Trump and all the pieces of shit that abetted his crime spree. The ideal time to drop a bomb on Trump is during the campaign season while he tries to con enough people to vote for his dumb ass again. Making next year difficult, painful and utterly deleterious would be a great play, even if the effort is destined to die in a complicit GOP-controlled Senate.

Let me take this moment as I have in the past to remind you that the best way to get to impeachment is to annoy your representatives to vote yes on the matter. Going on Twitter to scream for Pelosi’s head because she won’t support a measure that would die on the House floor is stupid.

This is our Bunker Hill. We can’t take our shot until it’s the right time. We won’t win in the end. But we will bleed the bastards enough, hopefully enough to tilt what is going to be a contentious process definitively in our favor when the war ends in November 2020.

UPDATE Sep 24: As of 1:55 today, the number of YEAS is now 170. Votes are beginning to cascade in as this strange Ukraine story spreads like a wildfire! Nancy may say the I word a hell of a lot quicker than I calculated…

UPDATE Sep 24: At 5pm, Nancy Pelosi confirmed that the House will be conducting an impeachment inquiry, rendering this post more full of shit than it already was. Now. Now it begins.

How Not To Get Off Social Media

Yeah, so I quit Facebook a while back, citing reasons of privacy. And now, thanks partially to what must surely be an addictive personality, I am a Twitter junkie who goes daily on the President Of The United States’ personal account to tell him what an insufferable dumbfuck he truly is.

This violates the spirit in which I deactivated my account on Facebook. I felt that social media was a danger to me in that I am a disabled vet and there was some talk that Social Security and possibly the VA were going to start looking at our accounts and if they deemed us happy and healthy per our pages, then we might not need our benefits anymore.

Chances are these proposals hit the circular file, another trial balloon from a president with an unlimited supply of hot air. But at the time I sensed clear and present danger.

I’m now about four months into breaking my Facebook addiction. I’m starting to feel normal about it, and that’s good news to a user. There oughta be chips for this shit.

What I was not ready for was the lure of Twitter. Its sparse design and seemingly unfriendly layout was miles away from what I was accustomed to at Facebook. It all started so innocently. I looked around cautiously, lurking here and there. What I have learned about myself, and perhaps knew already, is I am really bad at not sharing my opinion. I mean yes, this is my little corner of the internet and I can shout at the void for as long and as hard as I want to because I didn’t make the cut of good bloggers. But that’s the problem with voids. They don’t answer you or engage you. I write mainly for pleasure, but what writer doesn’t want you to see the work you do and like it?

In contrast, you can reach ANYONE on Twitter if you want. All you have to do is follow someone, and pow!-you will be in their feed, as long as you can keep your salvos below 280 characters. Or you can get retweeted by acquaintances and find yourself with quite the audience on a more popular page. I joined in 2009 but my timeline lay dormant until I gave up Facebook for good. I had 13 random followers at first, and a friend or two that I hadn’t talked to in a long time. In the last few months, I have quintupled the number of people who follow me. That’s fast, and sort of a lot! And Twitter, as social media goes, is a harsh mistress. People who tweet stupid shit, especially well known people, can expect to be “ratioed”, which is when hundreds to thousands of people stop by to tell you in hundreds to thousands of ways how stupid the shit you tweeted actually was.

It’s kinda fun. It’s certainly more combative than something like Facebook if that’s what you want from your social media. It’s almost like the old days for me, because the big fish bloggers of yore are very much Twitter enthusiasts. We’ve all enjoyed the longform but it sometimes takes a different skill set to be clever in 280 characters in such a way that everyone loves what you have to say.

I haven’t really learned it yet. I do a lot of retweeting right now. My personal Twitter hero right now is Jeff Tiedrich, who (unbeknownst to me at first) runs The Smirking Chimp blog. Every day, he stealthily waits for Donald Trump to tweet and fires off a smart ass quip within minutes of Chaos Hitler’s post that we sane denizens of the Twitterverse all hope he sees when he glances at the fallout of yet another ill-advised tweet. Always nipping at his bone spurs, all day and night. I live for the abuse that Jeff is allowed to dole out to our orange enfant terrible because tweets are part of the presidential record.

Hooray for democracy! The government may be collecting presidential detractors on a list to send to us to camps when the slow-walk fascist coup happening here is complete, but in the meantime, let’s have a laugh on Twitter and let loose on someone notable who is desperately, desperately ripe for our ratio.

Straight To Their Heads

There must be something magic about running for public office. You’re like a rockstar, except you can’t sing or play for shit. There’s clearly a bit of juice/electricity to looking at the sea of little signs bearing your name and hearing people respond to your well-organized thoughts with out-of-their-seat applause.

You have power. Sway.

Most of us never experience that kind of fealty. Our noses are too busy at the grindstone to look up and say, ” You know what? I have something super important to say that tens of thousands, perhaps millions of people need to hear. Follow me.”

Perhaps that is the element most missing from the coverage of the 1,489 Democrats currently running for the biggest brass ring on the planet. To wit: that this shit is addictive, and that, as those of you who have had an addiction know, can countermand the fuck out of reason.

A lot of people are making hay about the number of contestants entering the primaries. The numbers are unhealthy politically speaking, because there’s only so much oxygen in the room at the show. And as Joe Biden recently learned, some of the contestants in the rapidly filling water chamber that is the primary season hide a knife to cut your supply off and it’s see you at the bottom, chump. But even the existing amount of oxygen is not enough. You better be able to say something meaningful and make it fucking quick because someone else will come along, steal your breath and say it before you. And you need to be fresh and new when you’re saying it, as Bernie Sanders has recently learned.

The first of the Democratic candidates to concede that they haven’t got a Chinaman’s chance will reveal themselves soon. It is my sincere hope that others who know damn well they aren’t going anywhere will do the same. But as they say, wish in one hand, shit in another. In fact, we’re about to have a net gain of candidates. Joe Ses… oh, who the hell cares declared a few weeks ago. But brace yourselves…

a fucking billionaire wants to be the people’s candidate.

Why? Because he can. Obviously this is some sort of wild head trip, because no one I know needed Tom Steyer to get on the stump, pipe up and say that Donald Trump should be impeached. He is late as fuck to the party on that count. But apparently no one has been doing it right in Tom Steyer’s mind, I guess. He’s probably going to buy his way onto the next debate stage- out of your email and onto your TV.

To which I say, thrillsville and what the fuck ever. You’re already gutshot and you don’t even know it, tuna. This primary doesn’t need another fucking patrician to tell us what’s up. Strike one: you’re a guy. That’s a major liability right now. Strike two: you are a white guy. You are the root cause of every suck-ass thing in the world. Strike three: you are an old, rich white guy. That’s a subset of people who are even more precisely the root cause of every suck-ass thing in the world. Only Joe Biden, for arcane reasons I cannot divine, is exempt. For now.

To fail to be able to put his finger in the wind and figure out which way the wind is blowing doesn’t say much about his decision-making skills. With any luck, he’ll be as annoying, charmless and feckless as the last billionaire ego tripper to think he could win the presidency, Howard Schultz-and he can fuck off just as quickly before he starts eating up valuable oxygen for viable candidates. By dint of his extreme wealth and his somewhat longstanding belief that Trump needs to be removed, he’s grabbed that live wire of exposure. And he likes the feeling even if we need to do more than dump Trump.

What was wrong with funding groups to save the planet, and providing funds to whomever can legitimately stomp a mudhole in Trump and the GOP?

Was that getting boring, Narcissus?

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