Monthly Archives: May 2011

I Find New Ways To Screw Up The Holidays

Did I forget it was Mother’s Day?

Yes I did. And now I have upset my wife. She doesn’t expect anything from me, it’s the kids she’s hoping will say something… and guess who gets to remind them? Someone like me who doesn’t make a big deal about any holiday.

I have promoted myself from God-Damned Idiot today. I am now Major Shithead.

I have never felt special in my life, unless maybe you count the pre-“wonder years”. It’s a foreign idea; I am No Big Deal and I know it. This is why I have no interest in my birthday or Father’s Day or any other fucking celebration of my miserable existence. I don’t particularly like who I am; it’s a problem. I ain’t “happy to be me” and thus I become a cloud. As we all know, clouds are big and they rain on several people at once.

Now I have to go fix this mess. I begin:

Happy Mother’s Day, best friend, wife who tolerates my dick moves or lack of moves whatsoever. I know how much the little things mean and I promise to do better. My brain is aging and you know I’m already not good at celebrations, gifts, and sentiment. Know this; your motherhood is indeed special and I will make amends somehow. I’m not sure how to proceed after failing so badly, so I guess a late card chosen by your sons will have to do.

Don’t make the same mistake I did. Find the mothers in your lives and try, if possible, to love and acknowledge them better than I did today. You can beat me at this game easy.

Shes doesn’t know it yet but I’m going to steal the kids away for a card while she naps. That should work, shouldn’t it?

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