Category Archives: World War 3
So! We are still here.
I bet you’re all pining for fucking 2019 about now. Someone has got to bring this year to heel already.
On January 3rd, Donald Trump nearly started World War Three by extrajudiciously and egregiously assassinating a venerated Iranian general who had nothing at all to do with the US embassy attack in Iraq. Last night, Iran responded by launching missile attacks on two of our bases in Iraq. There is no official report of casualties as I write this. It’s 8:45AM the following morning.
As we watched our TVs last night to see if we needed to start praying, we longed for a leader to make a speech, something to make us feel more secure that things we going to be OK, one way or another. At least I did. I’m not a follower per se, but I feel there should be people who know how to tend others besides themselves in any group.
Of course, all we got was this inane tweet telling us shit we already knew because we use the same fucking internet and have the same access to journalism as King Asshole does:
Day late and a dollar short, Zippy.
Anyway, the world’s existence, nay, the human race’s existence is largely dependent on which Donald Trump shows up for work today.
That’s a scary ass truth, ain’t it? Like I said, gimme back 2019.
We could get the Paper Tiger Trump. This is my favorite Trump; it attempts to be hyperaggressive one day only to back down the next day or so. Remember when Trump dropped a MOAB in Afghanistan when he first got elected and then just forgot about that war? That Trump. We need Paper Tiger Trump to show up today.
The other Trump that may come to work is Belligerent Trump. Sometimes Trump loves the smell of his farts and believes his own hype about what a tough guy he is. This Trump will continue to attack tit for tat with Iran, who could conceivably attack dozens of allies around the globe and then someone drops a nuke and then it’s buckwheats for the world.
A final possibility could be the Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. This Trump is similar to the Belligerent Trump, except this one is convinced of the superiority of his own intellect and will do the opposite of what people who know what the fuck they are talking about tell him to do. This is “I alone can fix it” Trump. You notice that experts are leaving this administration in droves; that’s because they hate Oppositional Defiant Narcissist Trump. Will also cause WWIII.
Anyway, Iran has announced that it has extracted its pound of flesh, whatever that amounts to; now all we have to do is just be magnanimous and ask for a truce. Trump needs to blink because this is not about him, it’s about billions of us- and he needs to fucking wake up to that reality and take this chance to look like a goddamn statesman with grace, integrity and perspicacity just once in his shit political career.
UPDATE 10AM: Iran missile strikes designed to avoid casualties. We need a steady fucking hand right now and I don’t like our chances.