Why Does The Cat Guard My Monitor Like It’s Something I Should Be Protected From?

Yes, it’s a fucking pet post. People who like pets are good people, so no matter how gay they get about their pets, I find myself being gay too.

Please note: if you think “gay” is a derogatory term, you are either a) a straight asshole, or b) a gay asshole who should be stripped of their toaster oven immediately for setting a bad example for other homosexuals.

I am talking about cats! What the fuck, cats? All cat owners know that their cats are aliens. There is a reason why the ancients thought that cats were gods: they are less than two feet tall, but they survey Paradise(your household goods and the house occupants) like mere creations, toys, lesser life, tired of the shit food you offer up, or down to them. You are dimly aware that your cat will be sitting with you when you are near death, waiting to take your withered soul to the Beyond. Or, they may just think you are a big bag of Meow Mix and that there is no reason to waste all this food.

My black, half Siamese girl cat has developed the habit of walking across my monitor, and stopping right in front of it while I am typing. I get tired of typing things like “…and then when the bar closerjgkire25e” because my cat has decided that the monitor is no longer important to me. More specifically, she says quite directly that it is not important at all.

My cat is actually right; like a wife, it is always correct and thinks you’re an idiot. I can deal with this. But I want to address the phenomena behind it. It’s the same damn thing as when they walk in front of your bedtime book. So, we can eliminate the possibility that it is because the monitor is warm, or that they like the feeling of static electricity. Cats jump violently at this type of stimuli anyway, always overreacting to everything, much like the aforementioned wife. So it has nothing to do with the monitor, or the book for that matter.

You are doing something wrong. It meows at you when it stops. What is it saying?

You look around. The bowl has food, the bowl has water. The dogs are napping, so she is not telling you how much she hates your dogs yet again. You’ve been pretty good about the litterbox. What is this furry space entity trying to tell me? Or is it like a Zen thing, where when I figure it out I will have achieved Enlightenment?

Maybe it’s not anything of any importance; humans do pointless things all the time. Is it her equivalent of annoying me, perhaps teasing me? Is it like someone coming up behind you and tapping one of your shoulders to make you turn, look and you realize they are on the other side of you? That shit is not funny; it probably hasn’t been funny for decades. That is the FOURTH TIME you have walked across my monitor, cat. What do you fucking want from me? Catnip? I don’t want to get up right now! Of all the places here for you to park your cat ass, it HAS to be right here. I’m a human, and even I can find many places to go in this small house. This must go 10X for you given your size.

But I’ve got an inkling. I think it’s an expression of concern. Not something big like “You are going to need glasses if you keep staring at this thing!!!!”. They just want you to know they are still available for admiration. And I like that; people don’t love AND THERE SHE GOES AGAIN themselves enough to request attention anymore, do they?

I guess it comes down to needing their little cat butts scratched a little. Everyone needs a butt scratchy, but the cat is the only animal that reminds you that it must get done, it must be done right now, and right here.

About The Head Seminarian

I might be the nicest person you'll ever meet, but if you don't believe me, that is because I hate you. I went to war, I went to father, I came, I saw, and it is a mess. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shitty people amuse me, people who act like human volcanoes fascinate me like fine art. Life is beautiful, and it is under attack in a manner heretofore unseen in history. I came to remind you of this, not make it worse. I might be writing a blog. Yes, that's all I am doing, now that I think about it. If you have a bad memory, you will forget this. Even I forget sometimes, so we're cool.

Posted on December 19, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Actually, Ron, I think this ties in beautifully with your Facebook post. Why are we on Facebook? Because we desperately want to be noticed. Some of us are more open and honest with our “notice me” status updates. The rest of us post and hope that someone responds, because if someone updates their status on Facebook and no one responds, does the update really exist? People will say they use Facebook for networking purposes. I’m one of those…I built up my blog readership through Facebook…every time I post a link to my blog from Facebook, I get at least 50 extra readers that I don’t get on a day when I update the blog but don’t post the link on Facebook. However, I’m honest enough to say that I get a little thrill when I log in and see the little red comment box with a number inside, saying that someone read what I wrote and commented.

    Anyway, back to cats. The world is their Facebook. While the rest of us try to think of provocative and witty status updates in order to get others to notice us, cats say “Forget that,” and walk in front of your monitor or your bedtime book and say “Notice me. Now.” Gotta kinda admire that kind of confidence.

    Like

  2. You should be my translator.

    Like

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