Monthly Archives: October 2015

The White Ben Carson

Rationally speaking, anyone in the GOP who is trying to say the most incendiary shit their little fevered pea-brains con conceive of should be enjoying a prime spot in the pack of hopeless hopefuls. But that theory breaks down when we talk about Mike Huckabee. Why?

Simply put, he’s not a novelty. He’s been doing this for years with no success. He’s not black and Republican. He’s not a failed businessman with oodles of cash spared from bankruptcy court. He’s just your typical Jesus-sucking asshole who sounds like your cranky uncle. Witness:

On Thursday, Huckabee continued his streak by saying people convicted of crimes should be sold into slavery.

Host Jan Mickelson said the modern criminal justice system has been “taken over by progressives,” and said punishment should be modeled instead of the Bible’s Old Testament Book of Exodus.

“It says, if a person steals, they have to pay it back two-fold, four-fold. If they don’t have anything, we’re supposed to take them down and sell them,” he said.

It’s better that prisoners be indentured so that they must “spend their time not sitting on their stump in a jail cell — they’re supposed to be working off debt… Wouldn’t that be a better choice?” Mickelson asked.

Well, it really would be,” Huckabee responded. “Sometimes the best way to deal with a nonviolent criminal behavior is what you just suggested.”

Aside from the obvious stupidity of this conversation, hang on a minute. Non-violent criminals should be indentured? Really? To whom? The guy who gets caught with a few joints has to what-work off his sentence? A shoplifter has to labor for the company he stole from until the value of his theft is paid back fourfold? Folks, it’s a sad enough world as it is when we don’t pity our petty criminals.It may have worked in biblical times-but haven’t we come a long way since then? Why are we using some musty book to judge our law-breakers? I know the answer to that, though.

I wonder if the same cruel statutes would apply to tax-evaders and inside traders. But I know that ain’t who Mike and this moron are talking about. They’re talking about the desperate and destitute. It’s part of the GOP DNA to take giant shits on top of the lower class while happily servicing rich scum.

But I’ve already said too much. Mike Huckabee would not even win a presidential primary where his opposition was a ham sandwich. I should ignore him. Even Fox News spurned him. Let him sputter away, and I shall speak of thee no more.

Who’s Mentally Ill Here?

(I’ll give you a hint: it’s not the guy yelling “Hail Satan”.)

Not Necessarily The Nudes

A weary giant has fallen.

Due to the blowing of certain financial winds, Playboy is not going to show nudity anymore.

The 14-year old in me just died a little.

Even at an early age, I felt that there was more than a little distinction between the near-penetration that magazines like Gent and Club trafficked in, and Playboy’s portayal of tasteful, singularly beautiful naked playmates. It was important in my fantasies that the women be fair, cheerful, voluptuous and inviting more than they were near-fucked in a competitor’s magazine.

Playboy knew how to pick their subjects, is all I am trying to say. They knew how to photograph a sexy woman in her birthday suit. And near-nudity does not bring out the magical god-given gorgeousness of many of their models. You may as well beat off to Maxim if you want this. But here’s the thinking of Playboy right now:

Its executives admit that Playboy has been overtaken by the changes it pioneered. “That battle has been fought and won,” said Scott Flanders, the company’s chief executive. “You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.”

He’s right on one point, wrong on another. It’s true that the easiest way to get porn today is to hit the Internet, and you don’t have to pay a nickel to find enough of it to get off. But it’s all anonymous. No brand. Playboy wanted you to come back to your favorites, the type of woman you’d be agape over as a growing young man because you still hadn’t yet found a real girl to grab your thingy. I don’t know how it’s been since my perpetual masturbation days ended, but Playboy used to find the staggering ones, not the ones who were willing to be filmed with a dick an inch from their mouth. They didn’t need to fuck; they just needed to be. Now, admittedly, both turned me on-but I will always remember the Playmate type, and I was drawn to it.

Hef, I know it’s all about the bottom line. But you shouldn’t have let go so easily. You calculated that Playboy would go out of style. Maybe it has, given all the rank pornography you can get your hands on without having to hide a magazine under your pillow. The numbers obviously don’t lie. But you guys should have stood on principle. You were the firstest with the bestest.

End of an era. I don’t know why this bothers me, but it does. Just another sign of age. If you must reminisce or if you need a computer to see a naked body, go here.

Quick Question

If God’s power is so evident, then why do so many of his “prophets” have to pretend they have it?


Oh, Jim

It’d be funny if it weren’t so damn sad:

Pastor Jim Bakker and the guests on his show asserted this week that Satanic worship services were taking place in some Planned Parenthood clinics, which were being used a legal cover for the ritual sacrifice of children.

Wiles said that a former Satanist told him that he “performed 164 Satanic rituals inside of abortion clinics.”

“Absolutely!” Lori Bakker chimed in. “I can’t prove it because I wasn’t there… I will tell you, especially on Halloween, that many many many many Satanic rituals — abortion rituals — are performed. It’s the truth.”

“I’ve had women sit as close as Jim is to me, as you are to me, crying, screaming from their innermost being because they were in those Satanic rituals where their babies were aborted,” she insisted.

Wiles claimed that his former Satanist friend said that “sacrificing a human life is the greatest thing that they can do for Lucifer.”

 “Because murder is illegal, they have to find a way to have a sacrifice that are human,” Wiles continued. “And so because America has abortion, therefore, their doing these human sacrifices in an abortion clinic because it gives them a legal covering.”

Did the gnomes in a DMT fever dream tell them this? Because as Lori says, she and the rest of these dumbshits don’t have proof, but they know it is happening. They should release the name of this former Satanist, so we can check his claims. But all this is asking too much. Evidence doesn’t matter to the faithful; and when it does, the evidence must be concealed as a personal experience so that no one can either test it or affirm it independently.

 But my favorite is this:

The pastor noted that creationism had to be true because “there are no accidental babies.”

“You are sitting here talking about this and I think you have — your eyes are there,” Jim Bakker said, pointing at Wiles. “They’re not below your mouth. Your mouth didn’t somehow land up [on your forehead]. If this was all accidental, you know, you’d have an ear there.”

OK. So because someone doesn’t have an outrageous deformity, God exists. Nevermind all those babies born with congenital diseases, huh? Jim Bakker needs to take a biology class and discover that DNA is very good at what it does; even all the congenital defects that babies suffer from are relatively rare(one can argue that our problems are all congenital, but that’s not what I’m getting at here). Errors are quickly corrected and discarded in most cell divisions. A persistent, complex trait like a mouth in its proper place where so many pairs are involved is not an easy thing to disrupt. You can see God if you like in this. But really, the story is stubborn chemicals. We are made of tough, predictable stuff. It takes some time to change things like this (a lot of time, Christians).

I don’t feel like trying to find the picture of the baby that proves both me and Bakker wrong. That would depress me, and I am only interested in having fun at Jim Bakker’s expense. Those of you with disturbed minds will find this on your own.

Fuck This Motherfucking Fuck

I’m gonna have to pop a handful of Xanax before I get on the Internet. Because inevitably, there will be a story about the latest…intriguing thing that Ben Carson has said. And then I will get mad, and type bad words here because I don’t fucking believe that a person could be as full of shit as this asshole. Trump can’t touch this guy in the barking mad contest this GOP race has become. Here’s his latest evacuation:

Ben Carson, the Republican presidential candidate, said on Tuesday that victims of mass shootings should not be timid during attacks, imagining that if he were facing a raging gunman, “I would not just stand there and let him shoot me.”

“I would say: ‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all,’” Mr. Carson, a conservative who has been rising in recent polls, said.

Oooooh! Fuck you! You would pee your fucking pants if someone suddenly whipped out a gun and started blasting in your vicinity! You couldn’t lead a trail of ants to a picnic! You know how I know this, doc? Because you are normal. Not only that, but you have the vim of a sonnambulist. I don’t buy you as the difference maker at all. No one sane would.

You think Ben Carson is done being a god-damned fuckhead asshole yet? Nope.

In a question-and-answer session on Facebook this week, he explained that two of his cousins had been killed in the streets and that as a doctor he had to remove many bullets from bodies. Despite the breathtaking nature of such violence, he said, curbing the right to bear arms is not a real solution.

“I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away,” Mr. Carson wrote.

Are you trying to process this shit? Because I can’t. People mowed down in the most innocent times of their lives, and you yawn, unbothered. You haven’t seen enough bodies, asshole. And they’re piling up in fucked up numbers.

I don’t think I’ve sworn on this blog as much as I have in this post. This guy is the pits, awful, terrible, lying, posturing, foolish, everything that we should all stand against as good citizens, but 45% of the population could conceivably eat this bowl of bullshit up in a general. Amazing.

It’s The Wrong Way

Let’s face it; if it weren’t for the oil, we’d have nothing to do with ISIS. We just wouldn’t give a shit. Our tar baby, Iraq, will keep holding us there for years.

ISIS has done nothing to the United States. They never will. They could give a fuck. Their war is one of dominance and power but they aren’t really interested in us as a target of their viciousness. That could change, however, if we keep bombing them. Hard to say. They don’t seem too impressed with our efforts so far.

I spent a year with the Iraqi people. I found them charming, funny, and hospitable. I would love it if we were able to lift them up out of despair and hopelessness. But that is what we brought them. We have subjected them to terror and poverty. If we really wanted to help that country, we could roll up ISIS in a month with overwhelming force. But it begs the question: why the lack of resolve? It’s a well established fact that air power doesn’t win wars. They are a force multiplier, but only when used in conjunction with other assets. Vietnam refused to bow no matter how many sorties we flew. It tends to entrench the enemy, not decimate it. The problem is political in nature; Barack Obama is determined not to break a campaign promise. I kind of respect him for that. But these half-ass measures in Iraq are no better. We either win this thing or fuck off.

But Obama seems to have no problem with a new foreign policy; that of toppling Bashar-Al-Assad in Syria. Currently, we want to have it both ways-we want to hit ISIS and knock over Assad in the process. Obama’s playing hardball. He’s just as much a slave to the type of cynical realpolitik calculations that have gotten us into trouble all over the globe. Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d go full paranoiac and say that we are letting ISIS operate in Syria because our interests, however diametrically opposed otherwise, converge there. Our so-called “moderates” are hapless, if they even exist.

Enter Russia. As ever, Russia is trying to keep NATO and NATO-aligned countries out of its sphere of influence. They’re doing exactly what we are doing; protecting their turf. But we may have to let the chew toy called Syria go and let the Russians boot ISIS from the area. I bet Russian commanders relish the idea of seasoning its military by doing this. Might be easy. Might not be. Ain’t our bitch. Let’s cut the shit and move on, we’ll do Iraq and they’ll do Syria. Or not. Whatever we are doing now is not going to work. Fish or cut bait.

I am no warmonger. I’m more mad at ISIS for destroying history and ancient artifacts than anything else. But Iraq deserves better than the cancer we gave them. Maybe we can finally make it a war for liberation, unlike the last two times we went. I hate that I am saying we go in one more time. But honest strategists will have to admit that air power isn’t going to fix Iraq’s problems, and their military is simply not capable enough to rid themselves of ISIS. They haven’t been ready since we created them.

Dust off the Powell Doctrine, fuck the Rumsfeld Doctrine. We’re going to be there no matter. Let’s do it right.



Searching for upsides to Oregon? Look no further:

The deadliest mass killing in the state’s history had taken place a few miles away and to the staff and customers of the Roseburg Gun Shop it was clear they faced a grave threat – from Barack Obama.

Authorities had just discovered a cache of 13 weapons possessed by the shooter, Chris Harper Mercer, but the man they feared was thousands of miles away in the White House, plotting, as they saw it, to confiscate their weapons and leave them defenceless

“I’ve just ordered some more ARs,” said the owner, Candi Kinney, referring to assault rifles. “There’s always a rush on them after a big shooting. We can’t keep the stuff on the shelves.”

These sick fucks are exactly the people who happily sell deadly weapons to anyone with a pulse and a clean rap sheet. All “Roseburg” gun stores are complicit in these horrific murders. They have the sheer nerve to say that when these things happen that they are the solution, not the other way around. There’s no common sense to the gun argument anymore. Guns a problem? Get more! Being armed is an addiction that we can’t seem to tame.

Something is very, very wrong with us. How can one be so sanguine about selling the death tool after it has been used to assassinate so many people? I guess in the end, killing is business…and business, for slime like these shop owners, is good.

From The “I Don’t Really Want To Be President” Files

I’m just gonna let this one sink in:

“Stuff happens,” said Jeb Bush Friday, in response to this week’s shooting at an Oregon community college that left nine deceased victims and 10 injured.

Speaking at a campaign event in Greenville, South Carolina, the Republican presidential candidate said, “Look, stuff happens. There’s always a crisis. And the impulse is always to do something, and it’s not necessarily the right thing to do.”

 I think that one of your jobs as President is to fucking do something, or at least weigh in on a crisis. It is time to act. Let me direct you here, since our dumbass above doesn’t understand what a bully pulpit truly is. Here’s how you do reality. Fix the motherfucking Second:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms when serving in the Militia shall not be infringed.”

Redundant, but might be good for the cure for what is clearly ailing us. I mean, we are way past the need for “the militia” anyway. That is what this neat thing called “The Army” or even “The National Guard” is for.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Not content with third place, Carly Fiorina tries to corner the neoconservative donors:

“I believe we must tell the Russians that we will conduct [and] we will secure a no-fly zone around anti-Assad rebel forces that we’re supporting,” she said on Fox News’s “Hannity.”

“Does that mean we might use force against Russian jets?” host Sean Hannity then asked.

“Well, hopefully not,” Fiorina responded. “Hopefully, if we are signaling clearly to the Russians our intention, it will not come to that.”

“But if it does come to that, I think we must be prepared,” the former Hewlett-Packard CEO added.

“This is a tricky maneuver, it’s a dangerous maneuver, but it’s a maneuver we must undertake because we must make it crystal clear to Russia that they do not get to move into the Middle East and become the dominant outside power, which is clearly their intention,” she said.

Very telling. What she admits is that we, the US, are the dominant, if you will, “inside” power. It’s not important if the Middle East would like to govern itself; what’s important is that it stays in our sphere of influence and we will go to war with the Russian juggernaut to enjoy that privilege. It’s a bitch, this row we have to hoe, that so much of our prosperity lies within the hand of such a volatile, faraway place. We have to send troops to 100-plus countries because if we don’t, then the natural ally in many cases is Russia. We’ll do anything to remain on top, as paranoid as ever, because we are just like Russia-an empire in decline sucking up resources, a rogue state feeding on other states to survive.

I hate to think about how this turns out.

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