I’ve been waiting like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now for Tucker Carlson to be an asshole again.
Oh, I’m sure he has been an asshole every day since we last spent time with him-Tucker Carlson wakes an asshole, puts his asshole clothes on, goes to his asshole job at Fox and lays his head down on his asshole pillow as an asshole, only to awake as a refreshed asshole once again.
I’m not really obsessed with the guy, much as it may seem. I am doing this for the Google page ranking, which shows me as the third most popular authority on Tucker Carlson’s assholism.I would love to fill that page with my shit.
Tucker’s nothing but another conservative poseur in the land of actual hard nosed-journalists, a more genial version of Sean Hannity, who’s another faux toughguy asshole who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about on the regular. There’s nothing hard about Tucker Carlson-how can you be tough when you look like a prop that came from a McDonaldland off the interstate?
What, you don’t see it?
So anyway, Tucker’s been in the news twice in recent memory being Don Quixote, who had delusions about what he was fighting. He allowed a performance artist to punk him for nearly seven minutes on live TV before he realized he was trying to out a fraud. It was great television, showing us how fucking sloppy Fox News is:
You owe it to yourself to watch that.
Wasn’t that great? But Tucker trumped himself recently by lying flat-out about a guest he wanted to “press”. He wants to know why people are still protesting when he thinks it isn’t doing any good, if that makes any sense-so he tried to book an event organizer. His feelers went untouched, so he decided instead to cast an actor, totally unaffiliated with the marches to be the strawman he could tear up for not being able to recite chapter and verse the Trump administration and its allies’ attempts to marginalize and discriminate against the LGBTQ community. To be fair, Trump’s been reeeal cautious about rolling back LGBTQ gains from the previous administration…he’s kind of caught between Scylla and Charybdis-not that I care, mind you, that’s what he makes half a million dollars a year to do-make good decisions. I’m fairly sure he will side with his base, since he could cover the Statue Of Liberty with rainbow glitter and still not get the LGBTQ vote. Remains to be seen.
Anyway, here’s Tucker, pretending to take down big game:
Well folks, I hope that’s enough for you now. I’ll be here making light of Tucker Carlson in the near future, I’m sure. One never knows, he could be halfway through a bottle of Chivas some night and drunkenly Google things like “Am I an asshole?” and I will be here with his answer.
UPDATE Feb 28, 2017: Alert reader catches Tucker being a raging asshole to Bill Nye, who did his best to answer queries about climate change. Tucker asked his questions and then talked over Nye’s answers repeatedly. Carlson didn’t hear a fucking word he said for almost ten minutes. He ended the segment proclaiming that Nye didn’t know what he was talking about, and declared triumphantly that he had an open mind and Bill did not. All he really did was ignore Nye’s patient explanations. What a waste of time for the science guy.
UPDATE: I had to change the YouTube links because Fox needed to cover for their dork.
UPDATE 29 Mar 2017: Fox is still scrambling to pull down these clips.
UPDATE 18 May 2017: Still trying to keep clips up. It’s because I love you.