This blog is dying.
It’s an odd feeling, not having much to say on paper anymore. I have been writing, for better or worse, for over 30 years. Along with music, it is my way of expressing myself because I’m not very good at that in person. I have to wait for thoughts to coagulate into something that I want to put into the world. What I have realized is that I’m a nervous wreck and people freak me out. It’s no way to live, but I am probably stuck with this social paralysis and awkward thinking patterns.
I look over my old writing and I love some of the more passionate work I have done. I did some decent political commentary. Plenty of duds, though. I do hope that this pause in writing is merely writer’s block and not me clamming up for fear that I may say something clumsy. If I can’t do this anymore, how will I communicate effectively? That’s a scary thought.
It’s also just hard to maintain a blog in general. The form has been dead for years. I keep telling myself that I will get back to reading the ones on my ‘roll for commentary, but I cannot seem to get away from social media. I don’t know what the fuck my problem is, but I am probably not alone. I bought a print newspaper subscription to decrease my screen time, but I don’t make it past the op-eds and I don’t give a damn about sports so it’s very nearly a waste of time as social media breaks news at lightning speed…and I guess that is the reason I can’t disengage. Maybe it’s a peculiarly American way of behaving-demanding quickness and convenience. I get my fix easily. However, that all means I feel completely beaten to the punch and before I know it the next story is a click away and I’ve probably moved on from a thread that I should have had a few words to drop about it. I think one of my problems is that I want to have a lot to say about an issue and that’s just not how communication works in the main anymore. Far easier to just drop fifty words on a tweet than search for the meat and potatoes that makes a blog post something people want to see more of. That word counter in the corner there is a harsh master; if I can’t string at least 400 words together that is indicative of a problem.
I can’t help but think my current psychological state is not serving me well. I’m withdrawing from everything that has something to do with other people. I’m almost grateful for COVID because it gives me an excuse to avoid people. Age has weighed heavy on me. Music I used to enjoy now annoys me. I hit periods of hopelessness when everything going on in my inner circle is fine. I don’t know what other medicine I could take to unlock me because I’m on a decent antipsychotic drug that keeps me not nuts and I can’t seem to get the VA to come off further for some much needed anxiety medication.
Many problems. It’s all interrupting my flow.
Being retired is still hard work. Oh, maybe it’s better than a lot of jobs but I have too much time to think myself into a hole. I suppose all this is not my fault; the loss of external stimuli has left me a little empty inside. I just don’t have a lot to say about anything. However, experience says I will be back. Things are cyclical and as my wife says, this too shall pass.