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I’m Afraid I’m Afraid

My wife’s theory about Donald Trump is that he’s a closet Democrat. She may be right. Hard-right conservatives are appalled that this million dollar moron is going to lead the Republican party. So, perhaps.

My theory? I don’t think he wants to be president. See here. I think he might be scared shitless about running this country because he doesn’t know a thing about governing. Now the smart thing to do if you are in Donald Trump’s camp is to find someone who does, much like when George W. Bush allowed Dick Cheney to conduct policy.

But his short list of veeps just got a new addition: Sarah Palin. She’s already torpedoed one campaign, why not another? Do you see what I’m getting at? There was someone out there who is more repellent and stupider than Donald Trump, and he found her. If anything, his presidency will be unimpeachable were he to choose birdbrain for vice-president. No Democrat in his or her right mind would breathe the word because they know what the alternative is. But still, I think he’s trying to scare people away from him. He’s Dr. Frankenstein, and he knows it.

This country is so alarmingly fucked up. There’s a possible future that President Palin exists in. While Democrats fight amongst each other fecklessly, Donald Trump’s doing whatever it is that he is truly doing. He might be running a serious campaign for president. I can’t tell. And that spells danger for all of us.

While you worry, enjoy this Palinism generator. It captures the essence of her run-on, un-diagrammable style of speech quite well.

An Asshole Returns

Ben Carson, my erstwhile Oreo cookie whipping boy of this year’s pack of shitsacks otherwise known as Republican “candidates” has belched some more moral sewage into the political arena by suggesting that it’s wrong to judge Donald Trump regarding his lascivious treatment of the women surrounding him, because Christian:

Dr. Ben Carson argued on Sunday that Christians should not “judge” GOP presidential front-runner Donald Trump based on his treatment of women.

Carson argued that Trump had “elevated a lot of women in his organization.”

“So as a Christian, what I do do is not judge everybody,” he said. “And that seems to be something that a lot of people have got into. ‘I’m better than you are.’ Give me a break. Let’s just stop for a moment.”

So, using Uncle Ben’s logic, even a rapist or a killer is not worthy of judgement. I’ve run into this bullshit before; Christians judge all the livelong day, but then of course when the tables have turned on them and someone judges them, they say that “only God is fit to judge”.

Whatever. It is hardwired into us to judge. Without the ability to judge, I might walk into heavy traffic because my brain is incapable of spotting danger. It applies to politics; you’re damn right I judge because I don’t want your crazy ass or your friend of the week anywhere near high office. Judging, it turns out, is how you gain your sense of self. Denying this evolutionary advantage is absurd, but that is the Christian way-to deny our basic instincts.

Donald Trump is right. This election is gonna be great, the best.

 

Laugh Of The Day

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The Shy Narcissus

I don’t spend a whole lot of time listening to Donald Trump. Sometimes I see loops of his rallies and I am half hopeful that he secures the nomination, because he’s completely out of his depth and doesn’t really know anything about politics. The other half of me is sad for what America looks like to the civilized world.  Even George W. Bush, for all his doofiness, was able to read something off a blowjob teleprompter and at least sound presidential. Sad because our country could elect a fraud.

So you see his rallies, full of his worshippers, right? But one thing you don’t see is Trump engaging the press at all. Every damn time he gets air, it’s over the phone.

Why? Is he afraid of being cornered by hardball? That would be my guess. But he has a lame excuse for not doing facetime:

On Tuesday morning, Republican front runner Donald Trump was supposed to go on several television appearances, but wimped out at the last minute and decided to do audio interviews instead. The reason for this sudden change of heart? He just didn’t feel pretty enough.

CNN Money reported that Trump was scheduled to appear on NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox News, and MSNBC, but told all the networks that he was experiencing “technical difficulties” on his end and begged them to let him do the interview over the phone instead.

According to someone who heard Trump refuse an on-camera interview, Trump needs to be a little more careful when he spews flat-out lies:

“He didn’t like the shot. But he didn’t realize that his microphone was on for everyone to hear.”

The source reported that Trump said, “I don’t like the way I look. Just tell them there’s technical issues.”

Is this little bitch running for president? Really?

Whine Line

Carly Fiorina, perhaps correctly so, is upset about disparaging remarks about her looks. She brought it up at the CNBC debate debacle, making a joke about her bitchy resting face.

But Carly needs to know that she isn’t the only one who has endured countless attacks upon women for their looks. It has nothing to do with this:

Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina suggested on Sunday that conservative women faced a “double standard” because they were attacked with sexist remarks about their appearance while Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton was not.

“Is there a double standard here for Republican women?” Roberts asked. “I can’t imagine that they would say things like that about Hillary Clinton.”

“Oh, ya think? Yeah,” Fiorina replied. “I think there’s a double standard… There is nothing more threatening to the liberal media in general and to Hillary Clinton in particular than a conservative woman. So, of course there’s a double standard.”

“Conservative women from Sarah Palin to Michele Bachmann to Carly Fiorina are long used to this,” she added. “It will not stop me, it will not scare me.”

She should pause before she declares solidarity with Bachmann and Palin. Oh sure, maybe there were sexist remarks made about them, but Carly, the main thing that Michele and Palin were pilloried for is because they were crazier than shithouse rats. But that’s beside the point. Right wing outlets bleed contempt for Clinton, often making fun of her looks:

Rush Limbaugh does one thing very well: Make women angry.

Limbaugh, in what sounded like a slurred voice, continued, saying that he had been prodded to talk about Hillary’s need for Spanx–the body-shaping undergarment–but opted against it. Instead, he said she needed “spankles” more than Spanx. Don’t get the joke? It’s ancient Rush slang, for when he called Clinton’s chubby ankles “cankles.”

This is not a partisan issue-it’s deployed regularly against the fairer sex.

How about this?

A mayor in Washington State has refused to resign after he shared a racist post on Facebook comparing President Obama and the First Lady to gorillas and monkeys. His reason for not stepping down? Doing so would be like admitting he’s racist.

Earlier this week, Airway Heights Mayor Patrick Rushing confessed to posting the disrespectful, offensive comment on his Facebook page. The message read:

“Gorilla face Michelle, can’t disagree with that. The woman is not attractive except to monkey man Barack. Check out them ears. LO

So Fiorina doesn’t know whereof the fuck she speaks. It’s a systemic problem that requires women to look good and inviting in order to be taken seriously. She hasn’t got a fraction of the abuse that Democratic women have gotten. Stop making things up.Your facts, as has been shown, are missing. Oh, by the by, can you believe this?

Poor, poor victim Carly. Blow it out your ass.

 

 

Mosquerade

Oh, great. It’s time for the “Things Donald Trump Will Look At And What A Great Thing He Will Do To Fix It” game:

Donald Trump went on Fox Business Wednesday and said he would emulate the British government and not only revoke passports but close mosques in the United States in order to fight the Islamic State.

Stuart Varney: “Now, in the UK, in Britain, they’ve obviously got a terror problem. They’ve got a lot of youngsters going over to fight for ISIS, about — just under 1,000 are going over there, and they’ve got a whole new series of proposals to deal with this, including withdrawal of passports from some of these people who’ve gone over just to fight-“

Trump: “Absolutely. Good, good.”

Varney: “…and closing some mosques. Would you do the same thing in America?”

Trump: “I would do that. Absolutely, I think it’s great.”

 Varney: “Can you do it? Can you close a mosque? We do have religious freedom.”

Trump: “Well, I don’t know. I mean, I haven’t heard about the closing of the mosque. It depends, if the mosque is, you know, loaded for bear, I don’t know. You’re going to have to certainly look at it. But I can tell you one thing ,if somebody goes over and they want to fight for ISIS, they wouldn’t be coming back.”

No shit, Donald. I’m pretty sure that anyone we find who has fought with ISIS or any other terrorist group is going to see himself or herself not treated well upon their return. What’s a “loaded for bear” mosque? Would anyone like to get back to me as to what that means?

I loved how he backtracked on this “great” idea after Varney brought up freedom of religion. But I’m willing to let that slide-he got stopped in medias res and muddied the water. That’s a whole lot more than I can say for the person breathing down his neck in this crazy race.

Ben Carson never gets put back on his heels like this.

That’s primarily because he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Bye, Asshole

I’ll miss making fun of him.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

I used to think that PJ O’Rourke was one of the funniest writers going. I was in my conservative days, and so every satirical brickbat he threw was literary gold to me.

That was a long time ago. PJ doesn’t deliver like he used to. He’s been trying on the hat of punditry, and he still delivers the laughs. But the joke is on him these days. Dude, I hope you’re being funny here:

Ben Carson is brilliant and kind. Therefore, he has no business running for president.
There is nary a word to be said against Dr. Ben Carson. He is a soft-spoken gentleman of civilized refinement—broadly educated, highly skilled, widely accomplished, and universally respected.Ben Carson is a person who says what he thinks, hasn’t spent decades screwing the pooch in Washington or flying his ass from the media flagpole, and he isn’t friends with the pack rats running through the sewers of democracy.

He knows enough to talk about things when he knows what he’s talking about.

Dr. Carson, there is the matter of whether you’re good at politics. You are a good man.

Dr. Carson, it’s time to take this campaign of yours off life support. If it’s any comfort, this will make us political pundits, or at least the few of us who are still conjoined to our consciences, feel better.

His hackneyed premise is that Ben Carson is too wise a man to be in politics. What to make of this? O’Rourke’s been dry humping his “all politicians are scum” shtick since Parliament of Whores. Is PJ not getting enough attention that he needs to write an absurd contrarian piece of dogshit to keep off of food stamps? Any objective observation about Ben Carson identifies him to be a know-nothing and a goddamn fool. O’Rourke can’t be serious, can he? He has shown in the past that he can have an eagle eye for bullshit in politics. But to say that Ben Carson is cooked tells us that O’Rourke isn’t paying attention at all. Carson’s next in line for the royal treatment from the crazies. His star is on the rise while PJ thinks he’s on a fool’s errand. I will agree with him there. But this ass-licking article is electronic trash. He’ll garner a few clicks, but most people will eviscerate him for being utterly unaware of what he is doing. I just can’t believe that PJ O’Rourke has been reduced to unreflective, uninformed shilling.

Hey PJ, why don’t you take your own advice? Conclude that you are too good for punditry and go away.

Troggs

Knuckle-draggers should love this chum from Jeb Bush:

In an interview with the Union Leader, aspiring 2016 Republican presidential nominee Jeb Bush took a slap at the foreign policies of President Barack Obama, stating that the leader of the  free world uses too many big words and wastes his time at conferences with world leaders instead of forging ahead.

In video captured by C-SPAN, Bush criticized the White House’s nuclear negotiations with Iran calling it, “the Clinton-Kerry-Obama foreign policy playing out.”

“You don’t have to be the world’s policemen, but you have to be the world’s leader and there’s a huge difference,” Bush explained. “This guy — this president and Secretary Clinton and Secretary Kerry – when someone disagrees with their nuanced approach where it’s all kind of so sophisticated it makes no sense. You know what I’m saying?”

Bush continued, “Big syllable words and lots of fancy conferences and meetings and – We’re not leading. That creates chaos. It creates a more dangerous world. So restoring the alliances that have kept the world safer and our country safer – getting back to a position in the Middle East where there’s no light between Israel and the United States.”

You have to be the world’s leader. Who says, Jeb? There’s a lot of people on this blue ball who wish we could go away. And what could one possibly have against a comprehensive and complex understanding of today’s challenges? It’s that bad a thing to be smart? And fuck you muchly for using the “this president” line, I think we know what you want to say when you say that. And I’ll be damned if I could tell you how a relationship with one of the most controversial countries in the world could be considered one that makes us safer. In point of fact, our relationship with Israel has pissed off 1/5 of the globe, so I don’t know what the fuck Bush is talking about here.

I expect this kind of stupidity from Scott Walker. But I guess I am going to have to lower my expectations for Bush even further. Down, down the rabbit hole we go.

White Light

I’ve spent lots of time chronically lambasting the dumbshits in the GOP field. It’s a full time job, one which I have less time to do it because I will be starting a full-time job that pays money. I’m going to have to save some of my invective and curtail bashing only the frontrunners, not the sad losers who can barely break 5%.

I’m not going to do a number on Donald Trump, though. He’s a fucking lunatic, and I’m enjoying the hell out of his campaign. I don’t think Trumpmania will survive the winter.

Next in line is Ben Carson. I’ve called this asshole out on many occasions here. Mr. Smart Stupid is the next candidate the right will swoon over. Expect more spew in his direction here.

But I wanna get one more jab in at the hopeless. Let’s kick Rand Paul around. He’ll be lucky if he can save his Senate seat with the way he’s been acting. Here’s some choice Paul, commenting on the immigrant problem, somehow managing to insult Native Americans in the process:

“I think assimilation is an amazing thing. A good example of how, even in our country, assimilation didn’t happen — and it has been a disaster for the people — has been the Native American population on the reservations. If they were assimilated, within a decade they’d probably be doing as well as the rest of us. But instead, seclusion and isolating them — we took their land, and then we put them all on small quadrants of land.”

I really think that someone should watch “Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee” to comprehend what “assimilation” means with respect to Native Americans. We broke them. We took everything by force. We sickened them and murdered them without provocation. It had fuckall to do with a refusal to assimilate. They were going to do it whether they liked it or not. Our Indians are still suffering the effects of whitey’s domination of the West. They liked their culture. But we were having none of it. It scared us.

Rand Paul is a thoughtless cad. He’s trying to equate the destruction of native culture with our Mexican population problem. They are not alike at all. Our illegals would probably like to “assimilate” but that doesn’t mean we get to destroy their cultural identity, like we did with Indians.

What are we so afraid of? What the hell is so important that we should denigrate and demean our new wave of immigrants? It is, sadly, their turn in the barrel. Every immigrant population was shat upon when they arrived. This kind of nativism needs to be stopped. Rand Paul is a fuckball for stoking the fear of our new Other. What happened to him? Where’s his vaunted libertarianism? Isn’t it the free market that brings these people? Time for John S. Hall and company:

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