Laugh Of The Day

Goes thusly:

Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson claimed he is in “great danger” — and in need of Secret Service protection — because a “secular progressive movement” opposes him, BuzzFeed reported Thursday.

“I’d prefer not to talk about security issues, but I have recognized — and people have been telling me for many, many months — that I’m in great danger because I challenge the secular progressive movement to the very core,” Carson said on WABC radio’s “Rita Cosby Show” on Thursday, BuzzFeed reported. “You know, they see me as an existential threat, but I also believe in the good Lord and we take reasonable precautions.”

Excuse me. Time to go laugh my ass off. And then perhaps weep a little because he’s a top contender for the highest office in the land. Like, real people want to vote for him. He makes sense to flesh and blood creatures just like you and me.

Let me let you down gently, Ben. We are not threatened by your candidacy. We think you’re hilarious, and a bit worrisome because you have no connection to anything anyone could call reality. Let’s break down “secular progressive movement”. Yes, Ben this is a secular country, and most of us like to keep it that way. So you’re a rabid Christian. Big fat deal. That does not make me want to kill you or hurt you. Mainly I feel sorry for you that you’re so goddamn dumb. And “progressives” can’t wait for you to win the nomination, Ben. You will be stomped into a Hillary-sized mudhole- and once regular Americans get a load of your stupid, this will be a blowout unseen since 1984. They don’t know you like I do…yet. Not even your handlers will be able to handle you, because you are off-script and the reservation every time you have a brain fart.

You say you challenge me to my very core. We all know how good you are with challenges.

As for an existential threat…

Excuse me. I can’t believe I am typing these words in this order.The syntax looks good. I cannot comprehend the subject of the piece, though. Time for another laughter break.

I oppose you and everything you stand for. But once again, I don’t want to rub you out-I want you soundly defeated and judged for the dubious policies you seek to implement. In some ways, I guess you are an existential threat. But not to so-called “progressives”, which apparently is the set of people who don’t think like you- a rather large number, if I miss my guess. You are a threat to the American way of life as we know it. You threaten the truth.

Paranoia, big destroyer. You will survive, if only for amusement. And certainly long enough for your incipient radio show and speech circuit after you lose.

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