I’d Hate Myself In The Morning

Playboy is full of pussies.

Self-evidence aside, I’m referring to a recent decision by their online division to pull a list written by a contributor who listed ten conservative women he’d like to hate-fuck. That link goes to the cache of the original article, which will only show the beginning of the list.

Judging by the spirit of the first entry, it’s quite evident that it’s in fun. Because no one would really admit to wanting to fuck Michelle Malkin even if it were in spite. I’d rather set my pubes alight than get anywhere near that loopy skank.

Apparently there was a minor conservative shitstorm that made Playboy cower in shame. Many characterized the article as advocating “hate-rape”, which seems to me to be a bit redundant, not to mention utterly ignorant.

Everyone knows what hate-fuck refers to. It’s mostly a figurative term-few people I know have actually debased themselves by nailing someone for the sole purpose of humiliating that person afterwards.  It’s just puerile guy-talk, for the most part-something that Playboy has not shied away from in the past, i.e. in their party jokes section.

Anyway, the deletion seems like a monumentally stupid move for Playboy, who needs all the eyeballs it can get-having been undercut top and bottom by quasi-wank toilet literature like Maxim, and the availability of free online porn(as long as you can finish in fifteen seconds). Playboy enjoyed its golden age 40 or 50 years ago, when it was marketed to “gentlemen”.

There are no gentlemen anymore, if there ever were any to begin with in our modern age. Therefore, Playboy should get a little rough around the edges, moving somewhere between Penthouse and Hustler. That’s not going to happen anytime soon, if this timid backpedal is any guide.

Well, that’s the story, and who cares. What we really need to look at is the ten who made the list, and comment thusly. Are any of these little fascistic fluffheads really doable? ‘Cause some of the dogs conservatives think are hot…ick. Ann Coulter, for example. How this anorexic horsefaced shemale finds its way into anyone’s fantasies truly mystifies. Oddly, Ann didn’t make the list in Playboy. Here are the Ilsas that made the cut:

1) Michelle Malkin-As I said, I would rather savor the smell of my burning ball-bush than get near that braying bitch.

2)Megyn Kelly-Yawn. Who can really tell the difference between these boring blondes anyway? Trying to differentiate these common creatures from each other reminds me of the old jokes about blacks and orientals.

3)Mary Katharine Ham-OK, they’ve got me here. I could give a go at Ham without wanting to change my identity and citizenship.

4)Amanda Carpenter-Yawn, this time in the generic brunette division. Wouldn’t be able to pick her out in a lineup. Unimpressed.

5)Elizabeth Hasslebeck-Eh, big deal. Only a tad smarter and better looking than Miss South Carolina and such. Looks like she came out of a polymer mold. A shiny happy dingbat.

6)Dana Perino-totally. This professional liar is the only part of the Bush administration that would be remotely enjoyable to get fucked by.

7)Laura Ingraham-Nah. That’s a man, baby.

8)Pam Geller-What a repellant thought. I wouldn’t fuck this narcissistic JAP divorcee with Jonah Goldberg’s dick. No way, oy vay, no how.

9)Michelle Bachmann-I wouldn’t, but I might pay to see her take a five-man bukkake session from the Founding Fathers. An insult to representative governments the world over.

10)Peggy Noonan-Agreed. Do I have an aunt fetish? If so, Peggy would haunt my erotic dreams. I could wear a Reagan mask to get her in the mood. I admit it, I’d be ok with Peggy showing me her shining city on a hill, so to speak.

In the end, there is only one thing that all of these women have in common with each other that I do find attractive. They all have the ability to make me laugh, laugh, and laugh.

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