Daily Archives: January 2, 2011

High Art: I Found Some!

Remember I was saying a while ago that art=love for the subject? I also said that none of you deserve it because you just walk right by it, as if in a museum, or give it to some nouveau riche jerk who thinks it is a prize?

I would be guilty of this if I didn’t just see some today. I probably can’t afford it, but I got to see it, and that felt pretty good.

If you are traveling in Pennsylvania, and have questions like “What is wrong with the water in Pittsburgh?”, you are asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is, “Hey, you with the cheese sandwich-where is the Society For Contemporary Craft?”

Someone with a sandwich should be able to tell you eventually.

Or if you are in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, looking around and asking why anyone would live there except to write the name “Sheboygan” in their envelope’s return address, once again, ask a question of the locals. No wait, don’t. Every gas station owner will look at you and wonder, “Is this person gonna buy that jerky finally?” if you ask him for directions to the John Michael Kohler Arts Center. Buy some of the jerky, and a map, because there’s something you ought to see in both places.

There’s someone named Kate MacDowell who is showing you stuff you should see. I’m so interested in it, I had to make three corrections to her last name in the last 30 seconds. I don’t like anything, generally. Most of you who know me understand this, and either dislike me back or put up with me, or both. Don’t matter much to me.

You should go to her website immediately, where you can see things like this:

Or, if you like mushrooms a lot or are schizophrenic, maybe you could dig this:

I’m just bipolar, so I like all of it.

I say in big scary letters: KATE MAC…MC…

Shut up.

Kate MacDowell is a sensitive artist who would like you to see her stuff. From where I’m standing, she’d like to rearrange your face, but I only say this because I am afraid she will open me up and put bugs in me.

The Secret To Road Rage

Everyone has it, but no one knows why. I have figured it out:

YOU suck at driving too.

The only people I have ever seen drive properly is a goddamned 18-wheeler truck driver. You say when he goes by, “Jesus! He could have run us off the road with that pass!”

He’s not reckless: he is tired of being behind a shitty driver-you.

Quick tip-if you cannot drive, just stay in the slow lane. There is NO reason to cruise in the left lane and drive right next to the car in the other lane, as if you are playing catch with its driver or enjoying a fun game of “Can Telephone”. Cruising is not why they invented the left lane. It is there for you to pass slowpokes, after which you have done so you return to the right lane. You do not continue your celebration of going faster than a grandmother in the left lane. You fucking move ahead of her so that the next driver on the left is allowed to make his pass.

This is why the 18-wheeler hates you and would like his cargo to fall on your mini-SUV.

Another thing: would you all please quit moving to the side of the road or just plain stopping when an ambulance or fire truck sounds in the distance? Once you know where it is coming from, it is OK to continue driving where you were, albeit cautiously. The rescue vehicle is not a universal being, that is to say everywhere and nowhere at the same time. You do not need to give the crew of these vehicles the berth you might give to a cruise line ship. It makes the ambulance crew and the firefighters laugh, which I suppose is ok given what they have to do in a few minutes.

By the way, it is OK for a person to lose his way temporarily and find himself in the wrong lane. You do not get mad at this person, why would you get your Irish up about someone who is lost? Would you stare at an old-fashioned milk carton and say “These fucking kids. Can’t they figure out where they are? Or when you see an Amber Alert, do you say, “Stupid kid had it coming to her”?

No. You make way for the lost person as best you can. They are no happier about being in the wrong place than you are. If this is part of your road rage, then:

YOU are a shitty driver. Not the lost guy. You may think that the universe revolves around the crumbs in your driver seat, but you are wrong.

This is all I can think of for now, but shitty driver, I will call you out again and again if I find you, and pray for a trucker to hit your windshield with tire tread. It will not kill you, but it is a calling card from the trucker: move the hell over, you shitty, shitty driver.

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