The Secret To Road Rage

Everyone has it, but no one knows why. I have figured it out:

YOU suck at driving too.

The only people I have ever seen drive properly is a goddamned 18-wheeler truck driver. You say when he goes by, “Jesus! He could have run us off the road with that pass!”

He’s not reckless: he is tired of being behind a shitty driver-you.

Quick tip-if you cannot drive, just stay in the slow lane. There is NO reason to cruise in the left lane and drive right next to the car in the other lane, as if you are playing catch with its driver or enjoying a fun game of “Can Telephone”. Cruising is not why they invented the left lane. It is there for you to pass slowpokes, after which you have done so you return to the right lane. You do not continue your celebration of going faster than a grandmother in the left lane. You fucking move ahead of her so that the next driver on the left is allowed to make his pass.

This is why the 18-wheeler hates you and would like his cargo to fall on your mini-SUV.

Another thing: would you all please quit moving to the side of the road or just plain stopping when an ambulance or fire truck sounds in the distance? Once you know where it is coming from, it is OK to continue driving where you were, albeit cautiously. The rescue vehicle is not a universal being, that is to say everywhere and nowhere at the same time. You do not need to give the crew of these vehicles the berth you might give to a cruise line ship. It makes the ambulance crew and the firefighters laugh, which I suppose is ok given what they have to do in a few minutes.

By the way, it is OK for a person to lose his way temporarily and find himself in the wrong lane. You do not get mad at this person, why would you get your Irish up about someone who is lost? Would you stare at an old-fashioned milk carton and say “These fucking kids. Can’t they figure out where they are? Or when you see an Amber Alert, do you say, “Stupid kid had it coming to her”?

No. You make way for the lost person as best you can. They are no happier about being in the wrong place than you are. If this is part of your road rage, then:

YOU are a shitty driver. Not the lost guy. You may think that the universe revolves around the crumbs in your driver seat, but you are wrong.

This is all I can think of for now, but shitty driver, I will call you out again and again if I find you, and pray for a trucker to hit your windshield with tire tread. It will not kill you, but it is a calling card from the trucker: move the hell over, you shitty, shitty driver.

About The Head Seminarian

I went to war, I went to father, I came, I saw, and it is a mess. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shitty people amuse me, people who act like human volcanoes fascinate me like fine art. Life is beautiful, and it is under attack in a manner heretofore unseen in history. I might be writing a blog. Yes, that's all I am doing, now that I think about it. Even I forget sometimes, so we're cool.

Posted on January 2, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Find it hard to comment as I suffer from terrible, horrifying road rage. I don’t let it loose when the kids are in the car, but when I’m alone, I’m a nightmare. I’ve started to temper the rage with making the other drivers angry, though. When someone beeps at me because I didn’t get moving the very second the light turned green, I simply drive as slowly as I can. It’s my passive-aggressive way of not screaming and yelling and possibly getting myself shot. It’s quite satisfying.


  2. That’s different. You say the Lord’s Prayer, and hope a bus T-bones them in the future.


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