It Seems I Have Upset Someone Very Important

Hi! I haven’t slept for a day.

But you will never, never guess who has gotten pissed off at me.

Pam Geller.

I’m dead serious, she came in, looked at some old-ass post about that stupid Playboy article about conservative women that are available to “hate fuck”(which is an utterly irrelevant term that hasn’t been used since frickin’ 1975 or something), she stormed in looked at my assessments of the candidates. I chose Peggy Noonan as my conserva-crush. Now I know full well that Peg is waaaay too classy for a guy like me, not to mention that she is younger than my mother.

No one should do these types of things, these Junes and Decembers. We all know that. My god, if the world was right, the checkout counters in the United States would have “Wired” in it rather than “Liz: Halfway to dead on pills. She has not done her liposuction in years”. This is disgusting, and I am positive it bugs your ass to high heaven. I have a crush on Peggy Noonan, but I am married and satisfied.

There is NOTHING wrong with what I just said.

Now, if I remember right, I think I threw Pam under the bus pretty badly, and even threw her religion at her because I really don’t like what she does. I am allowed to say that. She gins up hatred for Islam, and she likes herself so much that she has a video weblog that looks like a pornographic home movie, one that looks as if there were something really hot about to occur, but there is nothing there but Pam, cooing at her fans, then getting down to business by updating them on what to hate this week.

I don’t like it. I don’t find it cool at all. Now, let me explain real quick, Pam.

You are probably alone in your house most of the time.

I understand that; I’m a fucking blogger too. My wife will become very angry with me if I continue to sit here too long.

I obey her. That is how to treat your wife. You are a mere man, and when your wife says something, the correct response for all males is not “hang on honey”, it is  “OK, coming…”

You see, Pam? I am quite nice. You do not scare me, and frankly, most of the Internet is laughing its ass off at you.

That bugs me too. I bet you were a catch in your days. Someone has torn your heart out so badly that you, as any Jewish gal will tell you,  is something that someone will regret, somewhere… and if it takes a few killings, this is done. It’s like the Mafia, except more agreeable. I am from New Jersey; I am well versed in the particulars of Jewish folks.

Those were the best friends my mother and father could find on that block, Pam. They were Jewish, and I was a grandson to one of them.  I am half-Jewish, most likely, but you know that whole Hitler thing confused a LOT of people.

But I get the feeling that you are still shrugging. This is the weird part; you are not Ayn Rand. You are Pamela Whatever Geller. I don’t give a shit who you are. I like everyone, until they say stupid shit. Ayn Rand had a broken heart too, one so broken that she wrote about thirty books or something to tell the world to go find a real man.

I got the message, Pam. You don’t have to keep shrugging at everyone. Least of all, me. As I have said, I am a nobody that you do not know. I don’t really care, Pam. You’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

I hate to tell you this, but it’s people like you that cause other people to run planes into buildings. You have so much hate in your heart and head that you have declared war on an entire religion. Do NOT expect them to take this lying down. Once again, I must tell you, Pam, that the Arabs learned to live in the fucking desert waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the Jews came and decided it was their land too.

You took it. They are pissed. That should not surprise you. Chances are, Pam, they will wait and wait and wait until you say to yourself, “know what? We can share this joint”. They will look at you to be sure you are serious, and then they will say, welp, as soon as you get that goddamned temple off of our mosque or at the very least share it, we may have ourselves a deal. Arabs LOVE to bargain. I went to Iraq. Those are some happy friggin’ people no matter what condition their shit is in.

This is admirable, not despicable. You ought to know better. Go have some chocolate ice cream, and stop going nuts before the entire Internet has to have an intervention against you.

Just some advice, Pam. Nothing more. Shalom.