When The World Wants You To Shut Up

Last night, I finally got actual sleep, the kind that you are no longer afraid of lest you die in it. I’m told this is a good thing.

People have been telling me for months that I must “get some sleep”. Most of the time, I interpret this to mean “I am the one who is tired and I would like you to shut up so I can get some”. I try not to take this personal, because as we all know, being tired is what we are good at. It’s one of the few things anybody can do. As far as I am concerned, sleep is usually an utter waste of time.

What usually happens when people sleep?

They wake up tired.

Something is wrong here. Generally, people get their eight hours, wake up, and the first damn thing that comes out of peoples’ mouth is “Wow, I’m tired”.

I can’t stand hearing this most of the time. Yes, yes, you are tired. I know. That is because you sleep too damn much. The more consecutive nights that you get too much sleep, the more tired you will find yourself. This is not because of work. Work generally tends to increase the body’s power, or at least it should. Ask any of the people in love with themselves at a gym. You won’t have trouble finding them. Usually they are on a stair stepper, or if they are men, they are trading dumbbells back and forth between the shorn, overblown hunks of flesh they call “lats” or “tris” and pretending to work out “together”.

Oh, I know what you two want to work out on. The only thing between the two of you and having sex with each other is that dumbbell. I bet when you guys sleep, you dream of each other. I couldn’t care less if you did. It is your personal prerogative if you would like to “pump iron” or pump each other. I don’t want to see any of it since I find both to be unusual activities(and I swear to whatever God you feel like believing in if you come here to tell me that “unusual” means that I find any of these activities to be odious is in for a very, very nasty surprise if I come back and find you here telling me I am not a friend to gay people. You evidently do not understand your own language, because when you put together the prefix “un” with the word “usual”, it means that it does not happen very often. It does not happen to me, so it stands to reason that I would find it “unusual”).

Jesus, I get some sleep and now I am tired just like the rest of you. Thank you very much for taxing me so that I had to pass out for seven hours. After all, that is what sleep is-passing out because you are unable to stand the world as you know it anymore. That is not my fault, it happens to be yours. I haven’t cursed anyone yet in this particular chunk of writing, and this is how you know that I am sleepy. When I am awake, I usually say “shit” and “fuck” and try generally to upset you as much as I can because I hate you. Today, I am in a much better mood. I hope it doesn’t last very long, because thanks to sleep I cannot see very well  from mucus deposits on my eyes. I am having trouble keeping my sentences together. This is not much bother, but it is annoying. So are you. I have a slight headache. I drank too much wine because all of you said “Ron, you sure could use some sleep”.

Thanks to my better mood, I am currently unable to curse you anymore. Someone might as well have hit me with a billy club. But I will probably return to my old self at some point by missing a dose of the drugs you have me on that are supposed to keep me “quiet”.  I can feel the heater on the side of my face. It keeps hitting me.  Literally.  Sooner or later, I am going to turn it down and hopefully regain some sense of myself and suffer. Because that is what nature does, make people suffer. It makes all things suffer, including the rocks. The rocks are tired of becoming lesser elements. As am I.

I’m not sure who is responsible for this “sleep”, but if I find out, I will say very nasty things that you will not want to hear. Some of you may actually like this. I have a friend now, some random person on “Facebook”, who celebrates everytime I tell her to go fuck herself.  Evidently I am getting some enjoyment out of this, because she keeps requesting that I say it to her and I keep doing it.

This is a person who alternately scares people and would like to hurt them as well. She is a girl. That is what girls do, break male hearts. It’s probably the only reason a male is attracted to a female. Be glad that we are monkeys and not spiders; when girl spiders mate with boy spiders, sometimes they eat the boy spider in order to nourish the tiny spiders that the dumb male spider has decided to put in them, thus making more spiders. I like spiders, but I am wary of them.

Most of you are human spiders; that is why I am wary of YOU. I have no idea what that means, because I am tired. I am shut down temporarily by your requests that I pass out, and that means I must find better things to do than be associated with the Internet this fine morning, which I guess I will try to enjoy because I am frickin’ exhausted.