Labors Of Hercules

I’m not Wonkette. I do not have infinite patience for the sad and absurd in the world, nor do I make any money chronically cataloguing it. Sometimes I find something so godawfully fucked up that I just have to hang my head, shake it slowly back and forth and go, “damn”.

That’s what happens to me when I read about Megan Fox. No, not this one:


Maybe you haven’t heard of the other one I know. Here’s that one:


What’s in a name, right? Well, they may have something in common. They are both not very bright. They are also good at acting. The first Megan is an action star. The other one is a walking comedy. Sadly, we will be talking about the second one today.

Megan Fox is a Christian homeschooler. She once went to a science museum and “audited” the exhibits about the evolution of life. I don’t recommend that you watch that for more than a few minutes. I don’t want you to be convinced that she is right and lose you to the light side. No, it’s more like am trying to save you from a nosebleed. I myself haven’t been able to finish it. Now, normally, if you’re going to prove a scientific theory wrong, you must at least know as much as the theoretician about the subject matter before you go about critiquing it. It stands to reason that you must first understand something before you try to fix it. Megan doesn’t roll that way, though. She made a horse’s ass of herself, snarking at the exhibits and “debunking” them with her all-too-common sense. Then she went to a creationist museum and her Occam’s Razor suddenly got dull, proclaiming it “convincing”. Because supernatural beings and Noah’s Ark certainly sound less crazy than how life became and becomes so diversified.

Megan honey, sarcasm and funny faces have not, and likely will not dislodge the theory of evolution from the scientific canon-much as my sarcasm will not dislodge you from believing in your creationism. Maybe it’s a matter of taste. Megan believes what her Bible tells her to. I  think the scientific method is the best way to find out what things are and what things happened. Proving the existence of God relies on a simple tautology; that the bible is the true Word of God. Why? Because the bible says so. I prefer the idea of an evolving (sorry, Megan) body of accumulated knowledge that is testable and falsifiable. Megan’s “science” would have me look around at how perfect this world is, and how it must have been created by God. But we have microscopes and telescopes telling us that order and beauty is an illusion. Those who perform observations have been wrong about shit all the live long day. But slowly but surely we learn more about the things in this strange and improbable universe, and we don’t think a even more improbable god is the key to knowing it all. And they call the best of our tested hypotheses facts. Facts are hard to disprove. And evolution is one of those facts. Megan, you must know the theory of evolution like the back of your hand if you want to “audit” it. I bet you have never cracked open “On The Origin Of Species” to find out how natural selection works, or even Googled yourself into knowing about it.  And the video makes clear that she is painfully ignorant of actual evolutionary theory. She relies on tired canards like “we weren’t there so we don’t know” or things “why don’t bears turn into horses”?

I ain’t no expert, but I have a basic familiarity with speciation, genetic drift, die-offs, bottlenecks, dead ends, and the environment’s factorial effect on its lifeforms. Bears don’t turn into horses because they are not on the same tree of species, you half-wit. No evolutionary biologist is asserting that that ever, ever happened. And nothing happened instantaneously-macro evolution takes eons to occur. The complexity of life didn’t just happen (oh, wait, to you it did!).  And the idea that just because we weren’t there it isn’t possible to know anything about that location or time period is beyond the pale. I believe in the expansion of the universe because of the Doppler effect, and I believe that dinosaurs existed millions and millions of years ago because stratigraphy and radiometric analysis of fossils tells us that it is true. I believe in endosymbiosis, the theory that shows that the organelles of our cells may be the remnants of ancient prokaryotic bacteria that came together to form the eukaryotic cells that make up us and all the other complex life forms. These are pieces of knowledge I have gathered as a curious individual. They have been confirmed by rigorous testing. And until someone unlike Megan Fox comes up with a scientific refutation of these theories, I will probably not change my mind. I wonder Megan, since you weren’t there for creation, how can you know it happened your way? Nope, gimme that Bible, dingaling.

To make a long story short, Fox can make fun of evolutionary theory because she doesn’t understand a word of it. Her whole idea of evolution is one big strawman. She is the stupid’s smart. She’s not even that-she’s just plain stupid, and we have to share oxygen with her, even though from an evolutionary standpoint that is inadvisable.


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