God-Damned Motherfucking Router, Either You Go, Or I Go Cry

This is the first time I have been able to get on the Internet for days.

I was having “technical issues”.

This means in plain parlance that I do not know how to work a router.  I do, a little.  But then I bought one that was created by some cult in California. I will not speak their name, because I have already learned that I will pay psychically for messing with their newer, dual band, gargantuan routers that would rob signals from a Starbucks in Texas if I let it.

This router has one eye.  It is as big as your gaming console. It glares at you unblinkingly if it is happy, and its eye turns red with anger briefly when it is displeased. Then it sleeps on your surfaces, daring you to wake it.

It tortured me for two days before I realized I could not tame this router. I’m an ex-soldier, so I can take a few licks. I have been ordered to stay awake for 48 hours, with maybe a grand total of two non-solid hours of nodding off in the dirt dug from a foxhole. It could have been worse, because I could have slept on my M16A2 and it would feel like a pillow.

This is not a very smart idea when you have live ammunition in the chamber. Thank goodness for safety switches.

But back to the one-eyed router.

It all began very innocently. After realizing that I had to buy a modem from my ISP provider(a very big ISP provider who will send me to another country if I don’t listen to every option in their automated menu), I knew I was going to need a router for my strong DSL signal.

I did not realize at the time that you do not have to get a router pulling signals from Kentucky simply because your connection speed is high. So the dual-band router came home with me in an innocuous purple box. It said on the front that it is the “best” router I can buy. So I bought it like Patty Hearst. She’s pretty neat.

I took it out of its box. It came with the router’s ID, and a puzzle. Not the kind of puzzle that anyone can do; it looked more like a rebus. I should have known right then and there that I had a scary machine on my hands.

I followed the hieroglyph, confident that the router was ready to kick some ass.

Never assign human qualities to a complicated machine. If you are naming your machines, it is because you do not fear it. You can name your car and it runs as if to say, “That’s right-that’s my name! Ready to roll? I am!”.  So you drive your car and synergy occurs and everyone thinks your car is as cute as you are, unless you have a very bad temper and you name it “The Cuntbreaker”, or “The Dick Smasher” or something to that effect. Your car drives like you want it to-temperamental, but it can only be used with the right hands on its wheel. Otherwise, The Dick Smasher will drive you through someone’s bushes before you can even get to the road. You tried to to tell your friend that the accelerator is so sensitive it can run over someone and back up over them in 3 seconds flat. Your friend is the idiot you like to keep around because he is crazier than you are, and someone should be watching them lest they drink five pitchers of beer and start a human dart game in the tavern.

My point is, this machine is a friend to no one. Even India doesn’t know how to work it. That is a signal that something has gone very wrong someplace- and that place is your computer, who is trying very hard to understand what you have plugged into it because it cannot see the eye of the router, who winks at it as if it is saying “Watch this. I am going to keep this stupid motherfucker awake for two days. Pass the popcorn.”

Well, the router was right. I couldn’t get an IP address to save my life. I must have tried to return everything to factory default nearly 15 times. My wife is calling me names, but I cannot hear her. I have been drawn into a war with Bill Gates on one side of me and AT&T on the other.

As a student of military tactics, I am aware that there is nowhere to run. My bed is a few meters away, yet I cannot get away fast enough and my wife is yelling at me to get my ass under the covers.

The last thing a man needs in a military situation is his wife. You can’t top that for stress.  The enemy is closing in and she is yelling at the God-Damned Idiot to get some sleep. I had an anxiety attack when I finally submitted to my wife’s demands, the demand being that she is my Mother, and she has an endless supply of crazy if I challenge her.

As you might have guessed, this is the reason I am in love with my wife. She won’t even take shit from me. That is an accomplishment, especially when my usual goal in life is make people’s lives more difficult for amusement.This is the curse of the bipolar. It must either destroy, or weep like Jesus. There really isn’t much middle ground, unless you have a good health plan that feeds you pills to make you stop acting like a complete asshole. It’s tough on friends, but they realize eventually that I have made them a little tougher, and their days are going much better now that you have exorcised their personal demons. I am so bad off I make Bill W. and Sigmund Freud seem like footnotes in history. I can counsel a couple without any training in 20 minutes, and do it for free. I’m not tooting my own horn. I can’t control the urge to either put something together or kick shit across a room. However, I like my stuff entirely too much to throw my own. Chances are I will not throw your stuff either, I just yell or needle you into silence.

I rarely get a “thank you”. I have realized that it doesn’t matter. My job is done, it was easy and that is what I am here for. Why bother with pathetic expressions of gratitude, you fucking idiots? You’ve all lost your fucking manners anyway, so fuck you if can’t handle it. You will die early, and this doesn’t seem to make a difference to me. I have already addressed this.

But anyway, this router fucked my shit up for two straight days until my friend told me to go get my old router. A simpler machine. One I actually know how to operate. I made a few calls to support because if there’s anything I needed after 48 hours of technical insanity was some support- I was too beat to try again by myself. Me and a guy from India had some laughs about it. I told him I was a typical stupid American. One neat thing about the Indians is that they are too polite to say what is really on their mind.  That is why the Andulusians  and the Orient eat our lunch daily as a country. Fortunately, if we behave respectfully to them and their desires, they will come to an agreement with you. A little for you, a lot for me, but you have fucked with our countries enough that we both know there is a price to pay for arrogance.

My advice to you today is: Buy a tiny router, and for god’s sake be nice to the guy who politely deals with your American idiocy. Every day, every phone call he has to talk to you like a baby because you do not understand anything. Stop being an asshole, you’re lucky to have a nice PC that you can afford. Understanding it, well, you suck at that. You then get mad at your computer, who is now completing the joke the machines told each other:

“I told you I was going to fuck him up.” They exchange a silent laugh in blue and green lights, and look forward to your next fuckup.

I feel a certain kinship with my toys, as I pop the keys as fast as I can to tell you that you suck. Keyboards are in constant surplus.

About The Head Seminarian

I went to war, I went to father, I came, I saw, and it is a mess. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shitty people amuse me, people who act like human volcanoes fascinate me like fine art. Life is beautiful, and it is under attack in a manner heretofore unseen in history. I might be writing a blog. Yes, that's all I am doing, now that I think about it. Even I forget sometimes, so we're cool.

Posted on January 7, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. This would have had me in a cold sweat. I no longer know how to exist in this world without existing, at the same time, in the virtual world. If my router ever dies…it won’t be pretty.


  2. That’s exactly what I am afraid of, but I will take it out on AT&T for messing it up.


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