Daily Archives: May 2, 2015

The White Stuff

Look, I’m glad that kid lunches at school are getting healthier. But it’s no big deal, see? That square pizza and the mystery burgers did not make me fat, stunt my growth or otherwise put a damper on my ability to learn. Schools are trying to do what’s best for kids, and I can and do appreciate when they improve my child’s school experience.

But now and then the school just flat out goes too far in the application of these ostensibly benign measures to keep kids safe and healthy. Hey, Denver, cut the shit:

Four-year old Natalee Pearson came home from school on Friday with an unexpected note from the school – a scolding from the school to her mother Leeza Pearson for packing Oreo cookies in with her daughter’s lunch. The school had not allowed Natalee to eat them, taking them from her to send back home with the warning letter.

“Dear Parents, It is very important that all students have a nutritious lunch. This is a public school setting and all children are required to have a fruit, a vegetable, and a healthy snack from home, along with milk. If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it. Lunchables, chips, fruit snacks, and peanut butter are not considered to be a healthy snack. This is a very important part of our program and we need everyone’s participation.”

Nope, fucking with a four-year old’s head is shitty. A little kid loves their treats. Moms and Dads like to let them know that we are thinking of them. The child will not come down with a chronic condition just because she has a few cookies. My wife and I can’t stand this type of policing; first you have parents treating their little squirts like precious china, trying to make sure that nothing bad ever, ever happens to them. Now the state is taking over the job? Fuck that shit. You don’t take a kindergartener’s cookies away, and you sure as hell don’t castigate me for poor parenting. I hope the mom takes this stupid shit to the top of the chain.

But Rick, He Has A Dick

When last we talked about Rick Santorum, he was busy crying to the FRC about the persecution of Christians. He made up a bunch of bullshit, some of which centered around the baking of cakes for teh gay. So it’s fairly safe to assume that Rick does not approve of gay marriage. Yes, in fact he does not. He said he would refuse to go to such a marriage if invited.

You can always rely on Santorum to play to the ultra-conservative, evangelical Christian base. They eat this shit up. Fortunately for the rest of us, Rick is what we call a “fringe” candidate. I don’t know why you would put down roots with a group that will never net you the presidency. Speaking fees? It’s as good a hustle as any, I suppose. But Rick blew my mind today. He said something recently that I thought I’d never hear from his ilk:

Former Senator Rick Santorum, a longtime culture warrior known for his conservative views on marriage equality and other social issues, said on Saturday than he believes Bruce Jenner when he says he’s a woman.

“If he says he’s a woman, then he’s a woman,” Santorum, who is weighing running for president again in 2016, said in response to a question from BuzzFeed News during a roundtable with reporters at the South Carolina Republican Party’s convention. “My responsibility as a human being is to love and accept everybody. Not to criticize people for who they are. I can criticize, and I do, for what people do, for their behavior. But as far as for who they are, you have to respect everybody, and these are obviously complex issues for businesses, for society, and I think we have to look at it in a way that is compassionate and respectful of everybody.”

I know, right? That’s so…liberal. Why would he say such a thing? When the crazy Christians hear this shit, he’s more toast than he already is. But let me get this straight-a guy can transition into a woman, get tits and wear dresses and that’s OK, but anal sex(which straight people indulge in too) and scissoring in loving, committed relationships is unacceptable? That’s not what the Bible says, and somehow fucking everything you could ever need counsel on is in there. Ask any good Christian.

I’ll try to go easy on Santorum next time he says something idiotic and insane. Aw, who am I kidding?

Screwy Louie

Did you know that the FBI was called in to investigate the lyrics of “Louie Louie” by the Kingsmen? They wrote 118 pages of analysis because some grandma complained to Bobby Kennedy about the playing and selling of the song to children. Go ahead and look; there are multiple guesses on the lyrics inside, some of them hilarious! If you don’t feel like looking, I give you a couple of great takeoffs on the song. Once again, sorry for the ads.

Bucketfuls Of Stupid

Republican lawmakers are a fucking joke. America, what have you done? Why did you elect this crop of half-wits? Let’s zoom in on Arizona for your daily laugh.

Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar last week said even though Republicans cannot impeach President Obama, they can refuse to confirm any of his appointments.

“You may not be able to impeach a president,” he said. “But boy I tell you what: remember, we have the right of advise and confer. Nobody gets confirmed. Nada. Nobody. None. I don’t care how good of a person you are. You’re not gonna get it.”

Did you miss the important part? Probably not, since you have the good sense to come here. But I’ll highlight it anyway:

Rep. Paul Gosar.

Does the House have the power to confirm presidential appointees?

Um, no. And they advise and consent, not fucking ‘confer’, you twit. Read the motherfucking Constitution beyond the 2nd Amendment. Let’s move on:

Gosar, a Republican, had been telling his audience to imagine what it would be like if Obama went down as the president who “vetoed the most bills.”

“Imagine this. Just imagine this,” the Congressman said. “Barack Obama goes down as the president who vetoed the most bills and in the succeeding election cost his party another election.”

Once again, some basic idea of what is transpiring in politics today is needed, and this rep doesn’t have that. President Obama has 368 vetoes to go before he beats Franklin D. Roosevelt. I sincerely doubt this dysfunctional Congress will be able to get that many bills to the President’s desk. Senators know this, and that’s why they don’t even bring stupid bills up for debate. The president only has to threaten a veto and the bill is dead. Okay, last one:

He proceeded to make a reference to the work of renowned Chinese military philosopher Sun Tzu.

“The Sun Tzu book I talked to you about always states, know your adversaries’ strengths and your strengths and you’ll never lose. Don’t play to your weaknesses; play to your strengths always. Always play to an enemy’s weaknesses, never their strengths.”

I don’t have to consult the Art of War to know that Sun Tzu never said anything so mind-bogglingly obvious. Of course you fucking play your strengths and go after your enemies’ weakness. My 11 year old plays chess and could probably tell me this.

Arizona should join Arkansas in statewide quarantine. No travel to sane states permitted unless the voters pick someone with a functional cerebrum.

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